“The lover carves into his soul the model of the beloved. In that way, the soul of the lover becomes the mirror in which the image of the loved one is reflected.” - Marsilio Ficino, Commentary on Plato's Symposium
Nietzsche’s criticisms of Hegel are often conflated with Schopenhauer’s. Often by people who type things like, “I’m in the Schopenhauer camp when it comes to Hegel and his ilk.” In a series of Beeps-and-Boops they copy-and-paste Schopenhauer’s loathing without any of Schopenhauer’s substance (which would require actually engaging with Schopenhauer and Hegel) instead these Thinkers exists as little framed photos on a candle covered shrine in Geocities. Even if they’re correct they’re still wrong and worthy of immediate scorn and derision. We must express the most profound sense of Christian Pity and Charity at the sight of their nakedness.
It’s easy to spiral on this particular subject but unbecoming, revealing, even damning. What they don’t seem to process, is that the seethe and the scolding and the tantrums are in their manner the highest form of compliment either philosopher could muster. That the younger Schopenhauer’s response to Hegel’s semantic blunder should be a kind of ecstatic fury that propelled his career as a philosopher. That Schopenhauer is endearing when he puts pen to paper and writes:
“May Hegel's philosophy of absolute nonsense - three-fourths cash and one-fourth crazy fancies - continue to pass for unfathomable wisdom without anyone suggesting as an appropriate motto for his writings Shakespeare's words: "Such stuff as madmen tongue and brain not," or, as an emblematical vignette, the cuttle-fish with its ink-bag, creating a cloud of darkness around it to prevent people from seeing what it is, with the device: mea caligine tutus. - May each day bring us, as hitherto, new systems adapted for University purposes, entirely made up of words and phrases and in a learned jargon besides, which allows people to talk whole days without saying anything; and may these delights never be disturbed by the Arabian proverb: "I hear the clappering of the mill, but I see no flour." - For all this is in accordance with the age and must have its course.”
Tempestuous little man. Without Hegel’s error what would’ve become of Schopenhauer? Would he have attempted to actively compete against Hegel? Hegel as the Phantom of Eric Roberts in the Killers Miss Atomic Bomb music video? The Other-Ghost, Hegel’s Smirking Geist cucking Schopenhauer, Sophia in his arms, Schopenhauer casts the wedding ring to the ground and runs away. As was the case in respect to Kierkegaard. Cucked out of marriage by the Ghost & Machine. “And it’s all in my head, but she’s touching his chest now, he takes off her dress now, LET ME GO. And I just can’t look it’s killing me. And taking control.”
An error is a wound is a mercy.
Nietzsche is different. Unlike Schopenhauer he doesn’t pretend to create a superior metaphysical system (the Platonic Carnivalesque) to rival Hegel’s.
I think the spirit of a Nietzschean critique of Hegel is best exemplified by aphorism 317 in Daybreak,
“The judgment of the evening. - He who reflects on the work he has done during the day and during his life, but does so when he has finished it and is tired, usually arrives at a melancholy conclusion: this however is not the fault of his day or his life, but of his tiredness. - In the midst of our work we usually have no leisure to pass judgment on life and existence, nor in the midst of our pleasures: but if we should happen to do so, we should no longer agree with him who waited for the seventh day and its repose before he decided that everything was very beautiful - he had let the better moment go by.”
Hegel as a Christian Nihilist and the Dialectic as Slave Morality. All finite forms of life attain their truth in the process of self-overcoming. Hegel uses Negativity to pacify an excess of Negativity. Hegel’s System annuls the Abyss. The Truth of any given determination is realized in its exhaustion. This Truth is what Remains. As part of a Whole. Eternal. Defeat for Hegel is what brings us to our Truth. That the subject’s defeat should purify it of its particularities and its impositions. My thoughts are already part of reality. This Knowledge leads to renunciation. I’m no longer attempting to impose or enforce myself on reality, to shape it in the heat of my perverse gaze. I look up at the stars and recognize a series of sores oozing out a brilliant light. In the Beggar’s Eye I see Christ. Saint Lazarus draped in indigo rags surrounded by dogs. In the Eyes of the King of the World, Christ. In the Illness the Cure. In the Poison the Medicine.
Hegel stands next to his student, the student looks up at the starry sky in awe. “They are the abode of the blessed.” Hegel grumbles, “The stars, hum! Hum! The stars are only a gleaming leprosy in the sky.’” Like Lorde, he never watches the stars because there’s so much down here. As he puts it in one lecture,
“The human being is this Night, this empty nothing which contains everything in its simplicity - a wealth of infinitely many representations, images, none of which occur to it directly, and none of which are not present. This [is] the Night; the interior of [human] nature, existing here - pure Self - [and] in phantasmagoric representations it is night everywhere: here a bloody head suddenly shoots up and there another white shape, only to disappear as suddenly. We see this Night when we look a human being in the eye, looking into a Night which turns, terrifying. [For from his eyes] the night of the world hangs out towards us.”
Let us then briefly think with Hegel whose underling problem is, from the very beginning of his thought, that of love.
What is Blue?
According to Goethe in his Theory of Colors,
“As yellow is always accompanied with light, so it may be said that blue still brings a principle of darkness with it.
This color has a peculiar and almost indescribable effect on the eye. As a hue it is powerful — but it is on the negative side, and in its highest purity is, as it were, a stimulating negation. Its appearance, then, is a kind of contradiction between excitement and repose.
As the upper sky and distant mountains appear blue, so a blue surface seems to retire from us.
But as we readily follow an agreeable object that flies from us, so we love to contemplate blue — not because it advances to us, but because it draws us after it.
Blue gives us an impression of cold, and thus, again, reminds us of shade. We have before spoken of its affinity with black.
Rooms which are hung with pure blue, appear in some degree larger, but at the same time empty and cold.
The appearance of objects seen through a blue glass is gloomy and melancholy.”
Goethe and a defense of Goethe’s critique of Newton’s Opticks unites Hegel and Schopenhauer. That color is produced by light and by what stands against it. Goethe who said that were the eye not of the sun how could we behold the light. Brilliant in the poetic continuity this expresses. A golden chain from Empedocles to Plato and Aristotle to the Stoics and so on. Summarized here elegantly by the physicist Arthur Zajonc, “the interior light coalesces with daylight, like to like, forming thereby a single homogenous body of light. That body, a marriage of inner light and outer, forges a link between the objects of the world and the soul. It becomes the bridge along which the subtle motions of an exterior object may pass, causing the sensation of sight.” Aristotle proposed the existence of a Proton Organon or Primary Instrument, an organ of congealed pneuma, located in the heart, that reconciles the division between the sensible and the intelligible. The Stoics would go on the rename this Mercurial (both volatile-subtle and fixed) Instrument, the Hegemonikon, the synthesizer or icon-maker. Whose function is to produce phantasms. The instrument through which the soul transmits all vital activities to the body and also the body’s way of capturing the sensations from the five senses and translating them into phantasms or images that could be understood by the soul.
The Lover longing loving unrequited. Smiling like she means it. Being-thrown into this World. Never fully at home, refracted, out of joint. That this affliction is our common inheritance. I think this is our patrimony. We are the heirs of this Abyss. It is to some degree I think fundamentally "Western" fundamentally "Romantic". Regardless of political opinion or alignment. It speaks to us. Through us. Perhaps it's because the Republic of Letters is largely comprised of Melancholic Perverts. Nostalgia or homesickness, as a longing for a reality which can only be possessed through the imagination and through the dream, the genuine site of anamnesis or recollection in the unreal. Evoking for us the movement of the soul described by the Venetian Magician-Philosopher Guilio Camillo; descending through the Lunar Gate of Cancer (of man), drinking from the cup of Bacchus and, depending on how much one imbibes, forgetting about all the things ‘up there’ before making our way back through the Saturnine Gate of Capricorn (of the gods). Tightrope walking to Luna. I see her so very clearly. My Corporeal Dasha, Giordano Bruno would rebuke me harshly, that I should Simp as I do for "these eyes, these ears, this blush, this tongue, this tooth, this hair, this dress, this coat, this little shoe .. . , this sun in eclipse, this crazy person, this slut, this stench, this deathbed, this privy, this mensturation, this corpse... which, by means of a superficial appearance, a shadow, a phantasm, a dream, a Circe-like charm in the service of procreation, deceives us by taking the form of beauty." Fuck it. Yet there is an Image behind the Image, a Woman behind my woman. The Platonic Dasha. Daria the Luminous Homunculi. Madonna Intelligenza who has served as a guide throughout this journey. “Keep your eyes on me.” I wobble on the tightrope, your eyes are what kept me, you and your rose-wreathed heart lit. A Unity-of-Opposites. Georges Bataille writes in The Sorcerer's Apprentice, “The image through which, in an instant, destiny has become alive thus finds itself projected into a world foreign to everyday agitation. The woman toward whom a man is draw, as to his human destiny, no longer belongs to the space that money controls. Her sweetness escapes the real world, through which she moves without allowing herself to be any more imprisoned than a dream. Misfortune would ravage the spirit anyone who lets himself be possessed by the need to reduce her.”
On Love Hegel writes, “Since love is a sensing of something living, lovers can be distinct only in so far as they are mortal and do not look upon this possibility of separation as if there were really a separation or as if reality were a sort of conjunction between possibility and existence. In the lovers there is no matter; they are a living whole.” That the Unity of Love is informed precisely by the division or difference between the Lover and the Beloved. The Union of Love, “…can remain so only as long as the separate lovers are opposed solely in the sense that the one loves and the other is loved, i.e., that each separate lover is one organ in a living whole.”
Here we might ponder Hegel’s Philosophy as a Philosophy of Death. The vespers-born melancholy conclusion is perhaps being that all Love is Unrequited. As Marsilio Ficino notes in his Commentary on Plato’s Symposium, “Insofar as it is death, it is bitter, and insofar it is voluntary, it is sweet. He who loves dies; for his consciousness, oblivious of himself, is devoted exclusively to the loved one, and a man who is not conscious of himself is certainly not conscious in himself. Therefore, a soul that is so affected, does not function in itself, because the primary function of the soul is consciousness…. Therefore, the unrequited lover lives nowhere; he is completely dead.”
Blue the color of Sulfur ignited. Blue the color of the Ocean of the Dead, of Dasein. The blue knees of a prayerful lover and the blue lips of the lovelorn fool, “Here’s to my love - O true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick. - Thus with a kiss I die.” That the smell of bitter almonds should remind the good doctor of unrequited love.
Such a melancholy conclusion can only be produced by a proper melancholic. Melancholy was regarded by Ficino as one of seven exemptions in which the bond between body and soul was weakened, allowing the soul to take flight and acquire the gifts of premonition and clairvoyance. Saint Albertus Magnus writes of the two kinds of melancholy. Hot melancholy and its two primary effects on the subject’s phantasmic activity he describes thusly,
“The first consists in the mobility of the phantasms within the subtle organism: the second, in the great capacity of phantasms to stay impressed upon the pneuma. This brings with it, besides a prodigious memory, an extraordinary capacity for analysis. This is why, Ficino tells us, 'all the great man who have ever excelled in an art have been melancholic. Either because they were born so or become so through assiduous meditation.”
Philosophy begins with this Unhappy Consciousness. The Alienated Soul lithe and loveless, which is the consciousness of self as a divided nature, a doubled and merely contradictory being. Dissatisfied with its Self and the World it retreats inward, like a Nymph fleeing Pan, fleeing into Reflection, which might likewise take the form of a fleeing into Nature (think Thoreau’s Walden). Herein is the mirk. This Narcissistic dialectic between Subject and Phantasmata. The Ouroboric Narcissism of the Beautiful Soul.
Another affliction associated with Melancholy is Hysteria. The Psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan refers to Hegel as the most Sublime Hysteric. The Hysteric asks questions because they experience their own desire as if it were the desire of the Other.
The Spirit retreats into a pre-rational state of life, a Life of Feeling, that this feeling expresses a movement in which the soul is no longer simply natural, but able to realize a mastery over itself.
“Finally, in the “feeling of self,” the individual becomes “a sensitive totality.” But the gradual formation of the ‘I’ is paradoxically accompanied by a loss of fluidity, leading to “ruin and disaster within the conscious spirit.” This crisis results from the fact that the subject, being constituted in a free relation to the self, feels at the same time like ‘another’, and this tension pushes it into a state of ‘trembling’ (durchzittern).” The Future of Hegel, Plasticity, Temporality, Dialectics, Catherine Malabou.
How does Hegel escape? Or perhaps more accurately how can we escape this trap? This Pneumatic Mirror-World. Of Subject-Mirror-Phantasmata. The Romantic Prison? Of one who learns of Love in order to be Loveless? Hold that thought.
Returning to the color blue, the psychologist James Hillman writes in Alchemical Psychology,
“This is the realm of the alchemical (kyanos, blue; kynos, dog); blue takes on a dog-like quality: hangdog and dirty dog, both. Why does depression seek porn? For arousal? For Eros and Priapos and Venus to come to life? Rather, I think, to maintain the depression, to re-direct the verticality of desire downward and backward (doggy fashion), clipping the wings of eros. Pornography - an opus contra naturam, a counter-instinct of the psyche, perverting the conventionally natural, enslaving, torturing; an erotics of despair.
To translate these esoteric references into the blue dog’s perverse obsessions we discover this: Invisible Hades appears in the world as Dionysus. There is a divine (i.e., invisible, unfathomable) impulse that seeks to enter ordinary life. It wants to know the soul in the Biblical sense. Carnal knowledge, intimate knowledge, knowledge of intimates. (Hence the innumerable images of copulation throughout alchemy.) The soul longs for this copulation, and sings its longing in the blues, blueing its own flesh, drawing the divine down into the ordinary body. (Hence the blues’ libidinous mood.)”
My Cup Overfloweth.
Pure thinking-subjectivity is phantasmological or hauntological. The role of the Phantasmata in the context of medieval philosophy, is described exquisitely by Mauricio Loza in The Hounds of Actaeon. The Phantasm or Phantom is understood “as a mental image with effects reaching not only the level of perception but that of social construction, the phantasm exists in the twilight between the objective and the subjectivity, the material and the immaterial, a zone of indistinction between reality and unreality. This is why the phantasm pulls us towards the twilight from whence it comes: Its central action is to drag us into the shadow of the world.”
Minerva’s Owls unfurls its wings only with the falling of dusk.
For the great Persian scholar Avicenna, sensory phantasms were processed through five virtues or powers corresponding to five cavities in the cranium; phantasy or common sense, imagination, cogitative virtue, the estimative virtue, and finally the reminiscent virtue. According to Georgio Agamben in his work Stanzas: Word and Phantasm in Western Culture, Avicenna conceives of this gradation through the inner senses as a "progressive 'disrobing' (denudatio) of the phantasm from its material accidents."
Material accidents in this instance, evoking the etymological origins and proliferation into common speech of the word "accident" itself.
Ad - 'towards to' and cadere - 'to fall'. The Latin Accident - 'happening' used in late Middle English to refer to 'an Event'. Used to refer to the parts of the sacred bread and wine that remained after the transubstantiation through the sacrament of The Holy Eucharist,
“Thus, throughout the history of Scholasticism we have to do with a sort of triangle of intellectual forces: Realism and Nominalism fighting a five hundred years’ war, and the Church, in its official capacity, anxiously endeavouring to hold the balance between them. One wonders whether the three parties to this ancient dispute may not have found symbolic expression in Tweedledum, Tweedledee, and the ‘Monstrous Crow’ of nursery legend. But it is no disparagement of the intellects of that day to say that to us the chief interest of their polemics lies in the many new and accurate instruments of thought with which they provided us. The common word accident is an excellent example. We use it every day without realizing that it was only imported from Latin by the indefatigable efforts of the Schoolmen to reconcile the doctrine of Realism with the Catholic dogma of Transubstantiation. The accidents, when they first came into the English language, meant that part of the sacred bread and wine which remained after the substance had been transmuted into the body and blood of Christ.” History in English Words, Owen Barfield
Here we see a process of Pneuma returning to Pneuma through this process of Rising and Falling. That the Absolute Idea is a Radiant Star. That the Phantasm undergoes a kind of purification process, from the sensible to the spiritual to the mnemonic. That this purification entails a kind of excremental remainder. A material accident. An excess which goes?
This brings to mind the question that the Sophist Parmenides (in Plato's Parmenides) raises to Socrates, which forces Socrates to admit to his own limitations. It utterly stumps the Apostate Tragedian. That being whether or not there is an eidos or Pure Idea of the lowest material things. Things like excrement and dust and I might add these eyes, these ears, this blush, this tongue, this tooth, this hair, this dress, this coat, this little shoe .. . , this sun in eclipse, this crazy person, this slut, this stench, this deathbed, this privy, this mensturation, this corpse...
The Ghost and The Star
Recall the episode with Hegel comparing stars to leprosy sores. This got out around town and Hegel found himself having to address this controversy,
"It has been rumoured round the town that I have compared the stars to a rash on an organism where the skin erupts in an countless mass of red spots: or to an ant-heap in which too, there is Understanding and necessity. In fact, I do rate what is concrete higher than what is abstract, and an animality that develops into no more than a slime, higher than the starry host."
The rock is a rock.
Hegel defines the Domain of Art as the “sensible appearing of the idea”… or the Idea given expression in Sensuous Form. This is to be understood as The Star shining through The Ghost. This opposition between Form and Content. This Contradiction is what animates the Motion of Spirit. From Art towards Philosophy.
She is and is not. Ah wait. I'm not her. But in this regard I am the same and suddenly the Ghost is Concretized.
Alexandre Kojève in his Lectures on the Phenomenology of Spirit writes,
"It is known that Hegel asserted that his knowledge is circular, and that circularity is the necessary and sufficient condition of absolute truth - that is, of complete, universal, and definitive (or "eternal") truth."
The Hysterics quandary finds some resolution. The question of the Other is reflexively transformed into the answer to the question.
"In the Wise Man's absolute Knowledge, each question is its own answer, but is so only because he goes through the totality of questions-answers that forms the entirety of the System. Likewise, in his existence, the Wise Man remains in identity with himself, he is closed up in himself; but he remains in identity with himself because he passes through the totality of others, and is closed up in himself. Which (according to the Phenomenology) means, quite simply, that the only man who can be Wise is a Citizen of the universal and homogeneous State - that is to say, the State of the Tun Aller und Jeder, in which each man exists only through and for the whole, and the whole exists through and for each man."
We return to Self-Consciousness. We're not the same. We're different. Tonight.
Eros pins Pan. Chronos clips Eros’ wings. Compulsion is overcome by Love. Love is overcome by Time. Love can only be actualized and concretized through Time. When it must Dwell in a given Space. This is the Poetic-Plasticity. This is the Commitment.
“Desire has reserved to itself the pure negating of the object and thereby unalloyed feeling of self. This satisfaction, however, just for that reason is itself only a state of evanescence, for it lacks objectivity or subsistence. Labour, on the other hand, is desire restrained and checked, evanescence delayed and postponed; in other words, labour shapes and fashions the thing.” (Phenomenology of Spirit)
We begin with the Problem of Love and in the Problem find the Solution. Love is the Answer to the Question of Love. Loving is to give what one does not have.
Our Unrequited Love is Mutual,
“In fact, there is only one death in mutual love, but there are two resurrections, for a lover dies within himself the moment he forgets about himself, but he returns to life immediately in his loved one as soon as the loved ones embraces him in loving contemplation. He is resurrected once more when he finally recognizes himself in his beloved and no longer doubts that he is loved. O, happy death, which is followed by two loves. O, wondrous exchange in which each gives himself up for the other, and has the other, yet does not cease to have himself.” Commentary on Plato's Symposium, Marsilio Ficino.
To be Overcome is to Animate. This is the Labor of Love. Productive Labor as Art.
You understand why Hegel is so very frustrating? In his System. In the Movement from East to West back East. We find the Heiros Gamos, the Sacred Matrimony of Eros and Sophia, and in this Unity of Opposites the philosopher becomes the Sage. In the production of this Heiros Gamos, Hegel's System becomes the Perfect Pneumatic Circle.
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I make of Nietzsche a traveling companion through Hegel’s Aesthetics. Why? Because The Birth of Tragedy is crudely Hegelian. Here we find ourselves encountering what is so very frustrating about Hegel and his Pneumatic Circle, his method and his system. From the occultists perspective this is because Hegel’s System is an Artifice of Sacral or Mythic Time, of Cyclical Time. The genuinely infuriating thing is realizing that the Artifice, the “Copy” is in fact the original. This is why some speak of the feminizing effect of Hegel. Feminizing in the way Achilles’ is feminized by Scamander. That not only do we never step in the same river twice and that the river is the site of the Doom-driven Hero’s self-fulfilling prophesy.
As Nietzsche himself puts it, “one cannot refute an eye disease.” I thought it would be stimulating to read The Birth of Tragedy through the lens of Hegel’s Lectures on Aesthetics. Framing Nietzsche and his insights within a Hegelian Tableaux. Nietzsche who denounces Metaphysical Systematization. Demurely objecting he says, “unhand me woman,” with a little blush. Does he mean it? I don’t think it was Hegel’s Dialectical Method or Logic that Nietzsche objected too. Denouncing instead the refraction between the Philosopher and the Logic (an ironic detachment)… that the Philosopher and his Logic are not two separate beings. That for him the Philosopher is Alkahest or Universal Solvent. Body and Soul collapse into a singularity, Art and Artists. No, in a sense Nietzsche celebrates the animating antagonism at the Heart of Hegel’s work. That this refraction is what results in the System which Nietzsche saw as modeling contemporary German Bourgeois fearfulness and timidity simply solidifies into Consensus. “I’m old and I don’t want to be alone.” That the System should be a kind of Metaphysical Prison concretized around the Fiery Pneuma, the brilliance of Hegel’s Esprit.
The application of the Dialectical Method is evidenced throughout The Birth of Tragedy; The Apollonian thesis, the Dionysian antithesis, the Tragic synthesis. Or perhaps in a manner more accurate to Hegel; The Dionysian Abstract, the Apollonian Negation, the Tragic Negation-of-Negation, and the Socratic Concretization.
The section dedicated to a retrospective appraisal of The Birth of Tragedy in Ecce Homo, Nietzsche concludes that all the good things he had ever written about Richard Wagner were actually about him. He was talking about himself the whole time without even realizing it, “"Even psychologically all decisive traits of my own nature are projected into Wagner’s - the close proximity of the brightest and the most calamitous forces, the will to power as no man ever possessed it, the ruthless courage in matters of the spirit, the unlimited power to learn without damage to the will to act.” Poor Nietzsche he who was too high-strung for his own good. Comes to a conclusion paralleling Hegel as it concerns Art, specifically Music. Perhaps one day, there will be Dionysian future for music. But for now, the Pneuma roils through space-and-time, and it culminates in Nietzsche or Zarathustra, as the Last Philosopher or the first Tragic Philosopher. Who despite all the aristocratic pretensions cannot help but write in a popular and accessible manner. Writing into motion the conditions for the Dionysian resurgence he had once thought was being spearheaded by the compositions of Richard Wagner.
He goes so far as to be both Beethoven and Goethe’s response to Beethoven in the anticipation of his works and in the need for them to remain ‘exclusive’ despite their undeniably popular character. Goethe in his old age weeping softly to Beethoven’s sonatas, proclaims “If such music were performed by a large orchestra, it would destroy everything around it.”
The stylish and inspirited Vitalism of Nietzsche’s ruminations is Pneumatic. A red dot in the center of a dark blue sphere.
Dialectics reveals an Infinite Spiral. The Circle divided by a straight-line. Containing the spiral. The straight-line breaks through the circle. Above and Below. Revealing three other spheres. Above the configuration one spiral. Beneath it two spirals; one winding up and the other winding down. On a Hegelian theological note. God the Father and God the Holy Spirit proceed from God the Son. “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” John 1:1.
Here we might locate the Traumatic Temporality of Christianity. The introduction of History. Time as Chronos. With God the Son. Without the historical personage of Jesus Christ, there wouldn’t be a Trinitarian Unity and Division. From God the Son proceeds God the Father and God the Holy Spirit. In this wound we are brought to an awareness of another Time. A Timeless-Time or a Time sans History. “In the Beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God,” a time in which God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit had always been. The Triune God. Whether or not, in this Aionic Time, God the Holy Spirit proceeds from God the Father or from God the Father and God the Son, is the division between East and West.
This Times overlap and nowhere is this more evident than in the anachronisms or perhaps more accurately, the Archeo-modernity, of the romantic painting. Or perhaps further still, in the Ethiopian depiction of Christ, in the Korean depiction of Christ, and in the Italian depiction of Christ. Black Jesus, Asian Jesus, and European Jesus.
As that obscure note by Nietzsche produced by Gilles Deleuze in his work Nietzsche and Philosophy goes, “Universal chaos which excluded all purposeful activity does not contradict the idea of the cycle; for this idea is only an irrational necessity.” Here we see Nietzsche approaching something akin to the Infinite Dialectic realized and developed in Mao Zedong’s contributions to Dialectical and Historical Materialism. As Mao writes in On Contradiction, “The universality or absoluteness of contradiction has a twofold meaning. One is that contradiction exists in the process of development of all things, and the other is that in the process of development of each thing a movement of opposites exists from beginning to end.”
The stylish and inspirited Vitalism of Nietzsche’s ruminations is Pneumatic. Being Pneumatic it is Phantasmic. Here we locate the Girardian critique of Nietzsche. As Nietzsche proclaims in Ecce Homo that everything his was praising Wagner for is in fact praise he was unconsciously directing at himself, at his values or innate dignities, the obverse is true. For Nietzsche every great philosophical work is a confessional, an involuntary and unconscious autobiography. He invents the Overman and by extension the Last Man. Will to Power and Ressentiment. One cannot exist without the other and in Nietzsche they collapse into a singularity (a point worth keeping in mind when we eventually venture into Deleuze and his Anti-Hegelianism). The Last Philosopher. In sum Girard’s contention is that in the production of these Phantasmata, Nietzsche ends up offering to his audience another Scapegoat. The Man of Ressentiment and the Slave Morality. Obviously within Nietzsche the potential for this is treated triumphantly. Nietzsche refuses to have his Poetic Revelry stifled by timorous considerations. That stupid people might read his works and take it as an excuse to persecute Christians or to locate the Man of Ressentiment in their political adversaries. That they might completely forget the contradictions inherent to the very office of “Tragic Philosopher” and how the Vagabond and the Prophet are a singular figure, hybrid and lovelorn and glorious. “If I had power I’d know how to immediately and brutally exercise it.” None of this concerns Nietzsche. People will misinterpret you regardless. Still the points are well worth reflecting on and prove stimulating as we move from the Symbolic-Classical to the Classical-Romantic.

The gas giant loomed large in the viewport, ballooning as the ship coasted toward it, the colorful blue hues of its swirling bands reflecting the glow of the system’s star.
Darren could make out the bright, scarred surface of an ice moon drifting lazily past, framed against the rivers of flowing hydrogen and helium. Silhouetted against the Jupiter-mass object was their destination – Halfpoint Station.
Having come from Earth, which was still a backwater when compared to many of the Imperium’s more developed worlds, the sheer size and grandeur of the structure took his breath away.
It was hard to gauge its true scale in the vacuum of space where there was no atmospheric haze, and there were no landmarks for reference, the unfiltered light creating harsh shadows. As they drew nearer, however, he was able to pick out some of the massive fuel tankers that swarmed its ports like clouds of gnats.
Those vessels put anything created by Humanity to shame – their purpose being to dip into the upper atmosphere of the gas giant, harvesting its resources to fuel the ships that made their berth here.
Calling it enormous was an understatement. It must have been nine miles tall, the main hull of the station forming a long, relatively thin vertical shaft. Surrounding that shaft were half a dozen rotating rings, each one connected to the central column by spokes, the pinpoints of innumerable windows glinting as they slowly turned.
At its apex was a dome of immense proportions, sitting proudly atop the structure, the crystalline material that made up its transparent hull glittering in the starlight. Inside, he could make out glimpses of regal skyscrapers and patches of parkland – an entire city encapsulated in a habitat that had a breathtaking view of the planet.
Darren pursed his lips as he looked down at the device on his wrist, the tiny display showing the familiar text of an article he must have read at least a dozen times by this point.
Halfpoint Station was situated on the outskirts of the Imperium’s sphere of influence, a region of space known only as the Periphery. This put it soundly outside of Purp jurisdiction, but the place still saw a lot of traffic, as the station was right in the middle of a relatively well-traveled shipping route between the three big powers.
While it had started its life as little more than a place to fuel up and get resupplied, being located outside any of the major spheres of influence had its benefits, and the station had garnered a bit of a reputation for its more permissive policies. Now, it was said to be populated by hired guns, smugglers, gamblers, and anyone else who might appreciate discretion.
The Human frowned as he looked out the window once more and tried to reconcile the gleaming edifice before him with the dark reputation the article in his hands presented.
He didn’t have long to dwell on it before the pilot’s crackly voice came through a hidden intercom in the cabin, informing the passengers that they were commencing docking procedures.
The woman spoke in accented Shil. What that accent was, Darren had no clue, but he knew it wasn’t the same one spoken by his professors – linguistic or mechanical.
He glanced around at his fellow travelers, seeing a few species that he didn’t recognize, along with the more familiar Shil’vati. The aliens were easily identifiable by the purple hue of their skin, their sharp tusks, and their seven-foot height.
Several of them returned his gaze, some curious, some covetous.
Males were rare in the Imperium.
Hell, males were rare, period.
By the standards of most races out in the galaxy, Humanity were the strange ones for having an equal number of men and women. Even six years into the occupation, most were still struggling to adapt to the new paradigm brought on by that reality.
Darren was no exception.
Still, he managed to ignore the stares, turning his attention to the smart display on his wrist, bringing up his itinerary. He was headed to Hab-Ring Five, and the only information that he’d been given beyond that were some coordinates to who-knew-where.
He sighed, wishing – not for the first time – that he might have a fellow first timer to converse with.
Unfortunately, that was a pipe dream.
The lack of other Humans on his ship wasn’t surprising. The Imperium had only recently relaxed enough to begin authorizing travel visas allowing Humans to leave Earth, and his kind were still a rarity on the Galactic stage.
As to why he was out here out in the ass end of space?
He’d been offered a job.
He was an engineer by trade, at least according to his degree, and he specialized in the combination of alien and Human technology. It might seem like an oddly specific skillset, but it was one that was in high demand, as just about every industry on Earth was trying to take advantage of the opportunities provided by the Imperium’s literal space-age technology.
It was complicated work, but he was quite good at it, if he said so himself – and his professors seemed to agree. His gift had catapulted him through university and had apparently landed him a very lucrative offer to take up a position on Halfpoint.
How they’d heard of him, he wasn’t too sure. Nor did he truthfully know exactly what the job entailed. Apparently, he was to be briefed on-location.
Regardless, off-world work was a rare opportunity for any Human, let alone one fresh out of school, and visiting an alien space station was a lot more interesting than backpacking around Europe for a year.
Whatever happened, it was going to be an adventure.
The ship matched velocity with one of the rotating rings, the structure at least half a mile tall in its own right, covered in tiny windows that made it look like a whole city block had been condensed down into the shape of a donut.
Now that he was a little closer, Darren could see that the station was actually far from pristine. Its hull was pocked with haphazard repairs, the newer sections shining brighter than their older counterparts, its armored panels pitted with little craters from space debris and micro-meteorite impacts.
The ship lined up with a docking port, and an umbilical walkway began to extrude from the ring, reaching out towards them. It looked like the jib of a crane, covered over with a flexible material that bore a suspicious resemblance to a grey tarp.
Surely it wasn’t actually a tarp? No, it had to be some kind of alien supertech – too advanced for him to recognize at a glance.
Right?
His thoughts did little to reassure him as the umbilical connected to the shuttle’s airlock with a tangible thud.
Shaking his head, he retrieved his travel bag, then made his way down the aisle to join the queue of passengers who were waiting to disembark. More of them crammed in behind him, and he tried to ignore their uncomfortable proximity.
He hadn’t actually spent a lot of time around aliens during his schooling. One of his professors had been a Shil, but she had been professional to a fault and had always kept a healthy distance from her students.
Of course, she had still managed to be rather intimidating despite that, her head seeming to scrape the ceiling every time she stepped into the classroom. However, Darren was rapidly discovering that being surrounded by women who stood head and shoulders above him was a different experience altogether.
It was nothing to get worked up over, though. He just needed to-
The Shil standing behind him pressed close – uncomfortably close – Darren swearing that there was room enough in the aisle for her to keep her distance. Suddenly, he felt a sharp twinge in his rear.
Had she just...pinched him? No, it had to have been a mistake.
He turned to glance over his shoulder, looking up at the towering Purp. “Sorry, Ma’am, I must have bumped into you.”
Her sly smile faded as she furrowed her brow in confusion. Before she had time to formulate a reply, the intercom above the exit beeped.
“Oh, looks like we’re moving again!” Darren chimed as he began to follow the queue. “Sorry!”
He followed the procession of towering women into the passenger ship’s airlock. Both of the pressurized doors were open, and before him stretched the umbilical. The worryingly thin material that protected them from the deadly vacuum of space was wrapped taut around a metal frame, and the walkway beneath his feet was made up of a simple grate.
After a short walk, they emerged into a cavernous dock area, so large that it was more like standing in some kind of indoor stadium than anything that could be compared to a space station. There were stacks of shipping containers and unidentifiable machinery everywhere he looked.
It was a challenge not to stop and examine the equipment, each new sight piquing his interest, each strange device begging to be investigated. As he followed the other passengers to the far end of the room – his head on a swivel – he almost bumped into one of the containers. To his surprise, it was floating a foot off the ground, suspended on an anti-gravity cushion.
It was funny – no matter how many times he saw it, it never stopped being surreal to see something just…float.
As he stooped to look beneath it, an irritated dockworker leaned out from behind it to yell at whoever was in her way. She stopped when she saw him, raising a skeptical eyebrow. She was a Rakiri, if Darren remembered correctly. She resembled a towering werewolf, a pair of cat-like eyes peering out from beneath her black fur, her facial features strangely leonine. She was clad in dirty, yellow coveralls that hung loosely from her broad shoulders, exposing the ragged tank top that she wore beneath it. Tufts of her dark coat poked out around the faded garment, giving her a surprisingly fluffy appearance.
“You lost, boy?” she asked as she shooed him out of her path. “Stay behind the yellow warning markings unless you want to get that cute butt smushed,” she added with a nod toward the deck. She continued to push her heavy container, moving it effortlessly on its gravity cushion.
More dock workers were assembling to stare at him, perhaps having never seen a Human before. Or perhaps it was because he was male? It was hard to tell. Either way, a small crowd of yellow-clad women saw him off, a couple of them hooting at him and waving. Not sure if this was some kind of alien greeting, he shyly waved back, eliciting laughter from them after a moment of surprise.
One started to make her way over to him before a menacing growl from her superior made her freeze in place sheepishly. Darren took that as his cue to move on – he didn’t want to get anyone else in trouble by being in the way.
He arrived at a security gate, and after being asked to show his visa, he was subjected to a very thorough – and in his opinion unnecessary – pat-down. Once he was cleared, he emerged into the station proper. He stepped out of the way of the women behind him, then set his travel bag down on the metal deck, taking in the alien sights and sounds for a moment.
Far from being a sterile, clinical environment, he found himself in a bustling bazaar worthy of any city back on Earth. It scarcely felt like he was standing inside a station at all, what passed for the ceiling so high above his head that he could barely make out the crisscrossing support beams and maintenance catwalks.
It was styled like a cramped street, too small for cars, almost like the city center of some old European town had been reimagined in an industrial style. Civilian quarters that resembled apartment blocks rose up towards the ceiling, connecting to it in some places, likely leading up to higher levels of the station.
In every nook and cranny – anywhere there was room – the denizens of the hab-ring had set up little stalls where they were hawking their wares to the tourists who had just boarded. Colorful awnings fluttered in the artificial breeze from the air recyclers, and insulated cables that had been patched from the station’s systems trailed along walls and floors, powering streetside food stands and colorful neon signs.
Speaking of the denizens, they came in all shapes and sizes. Darren had never seen so many varieties of alien in one place before. He could make out a few Shil and Rakiri, but most were unknown to him, the varied hues of their skin and clothes creating a bustling sea of color.
He checked the device on his wrist again, pulling up the coordinates that his new employer had forwarded to him. This was indeed Hab-Ring Five, and he’d been given what passed for an address in this strange environment. Hefting his bag once more, he made his way into the throng, having to dodge and weave between the towering aliens. Many of them barely seemed to register his presence, probably due to his comparatively small stature, though some seemed to stop and stare in confusion.
Well, I suppose Humans are pretty new on the galactic scene, he thought to himself.
The scents of strange, alien food assailed him as he navigated the cramped streets, a few of the criers singling him out. They had sharp instincts, he’d give them that. It seemed the locals could smell a tourist at thirty paces.
Maybe it was all the staring he was doing?
Eventually, he arrived at his destination, glancing up from his display to see a dingy bar. It was open to the street, built into an overhang at the base of one of the many buildings, little more than a long counter with a few stools. Above it was a blinking neon sign in a script that he couldn’t read. As he made his way inside and struggled up onto one of the tall stools, the small handful of patrons who were sitting off to his left paused their conversation to examine him.
They were Nighkru, their goat-like horns and the bruise-purple hue of their skin giving them away. Their silver eyes were striking, almost seeming to glow in the dim light of the bar, as reflective as those of a cat. Their clothing was all tight leather and straps, their skin strategically exposed in places to show off their stunning bioluminescent tattoos, the swirling patterns trailing down slender limbs and across toned midriffs.
He kept his gaze aimed forward, knowing that their kind didn’t think much of the Imperium to which he now belonged.
…Then again, that was true for pretty much every race that wasn’t a part of the massive interstellar empire. Say what you would about the Purps, but they knew how to make an impression.
The bartender walked over to him, leaning on the counter as she looked him up and down skeptically. It was another Rakiri like the dockworkers, her feline nose twitching as she took in his scent.
“You lost, or do you want something to drink?” she asked.
“No thank you, I’m waiting for someone,” he replied sheepishly as he lowered his eyes to his device again.
He was right on time, but as he looked around, there was no sign of his contact. He was supposed to meet them here, right?
The Rakiri shrugged her furry shoulders, then left him to his own devices, moving over to the small group of Nighkru.
Perhaps one of them was his contact?
He certainly hoped not. While he didn’t have anything against a person enjoying themselves with a good drink after hours, it wasn’t a good way to make a positive first impression on a prospective employee.
Fortunately for him, the surprise on one of the trio’s grey skinned faces when she happened to blearily peer in his direction dashed that possibility. Just a trio of young women out for a drink.
Unfortunately for him, after a few hastily whispered words to her friends, the group made their way over to him.
“Don’t see many males round these parts,” one of them said, her faux leather getup creaking as she planted her hands on the bar to his left. Another leaned on the counter to his right, the third posting up behind him.
“A Human, too,” the woman to his right added with a sly chuckle. “Now, what’s a Human doing all alone out on the Periphery?”
“I didn’t think the Purps were letting their pets off the leash.” the one behind him snickered.
“I don’t know,” the first said with an exaggerated shrug. “Maybe he snuck out in search of a real woman? I think we’ve all heard how Humans can be.”
That set the three of them laughing.
All the while, Darren wasn’t sure where to look, turning his head left and right as he struggled to pick a Nighkru. He settled on the woman to his left, having to lift his head to meet her gaze, those reflective eyes shining like a pair of silver coins.
“I...uh...was actually supposed to be meeting someone here.” he stammered, a little of his anxiety bleeding through.
The Nighkru gave him a warm smile that wasn’t reflected in her eyes, leaning a little closer. He tried to pull away reflexively but found another Nighkru waiting for him, something rather soft pressing against his back.
“Well, I don’t see anyone else in here but me and my friends,” one of them said as she tutted dramatically. “Maybe they stood you up?”
“Poor form, that,” the one behind him whispered into his ear. He lurched in his seat, surprised by her proximity. “Leaving a pretty young thing like you hanging.”
The first one nodded, as if that was a piece of sagely wisdom. “I know – how about my friends and I give you a personal tour of the station to make up for it?” she asked, reaching out to brush a piece of errant fluff from his collar. “We’ll even carry your luggage for you – we’re nice like that.”
She signaled to one of her compatriots with a curt nod, who then plucked his travel bag off the deck.
“Oh, that’s really not-”
He tried to stand, but he was cut off as two of the women placed their hands on his shoulders, pushing him back down into his seat. Their touch was gentle, but firm, letting him know that he wasn't going anywhere.
Darren looked to the Rakiri bartender for help, feeling more than a little overwhelmed by the turn of events, but she was staying out of it. She was feigning disinterest, cleaning a glass with a rag that didn’t look clean enough for the job.
It was clear that he wouldn’t be getting any help from her.
Was this really going to be his first experience on the station – kidnapped by a gang of alien grifters?
Just as he was getting ready to – likely ineffectually – start swinging like his life depended on it, he heard a voice ring out in a language he didn’t recognize.
The Nighkru turned their heads as one, and he followed their gaze, seeing another of their kind step in from the street. Her skin had the same twilight hue, her silvery hair pulled back into a long ponytail that trailed behind her as she strode towards them. She wore a jet-black body suit that left little to the imagination, so tight that it might have been sewn onto her, the garment open at the front to expose a chiseled midriff and the beginnings of her cleavage. Her eyes were mesmerizing, his gaze drawn to the glowing tattoos that served to accentuate them.
Oddly, unlike the trio surrounding him, she had no horns.
The stranger walked with purpose, her heels clicking on the deck, her hair swishing behind her as she came to a stop to stare down the three other women. They were already backing off, the Nighkru who had taken his bag setting it back down gingerly beside his seat. Did they know this person? They seemed so wary of her.
“Maybe we’ll see you around,” one of them whispered, her hand lingering on his shoulder for a moment before she followed her friends out into the street.
Once they were finally out of sight, Darren breathed a sigh of relief and turned to thank the newcomer. Before he could utter so much as a word, she beat him to the punch.
“You shouldn’t wander around Halfpoint alone,” she said, skipping the preamble. Her voice had a melodic tone, one that was almost musical to Darren’s ears. She planted her hands on her hips, scrutinizing him with a skeptical expression. “You’re just asking for trouble.”
“I’m just...waiting for someone,” he replied. “Thank you, by the way. I’m-”
“Do you have a weapon on you?” she asked, cutting him off. “A handgun under that jacket? Defense spray? A pocket knife?”
“What? No,” he replied, his brow furrowing. “Why would I have a gun?”
Even with a few inches of titanium-alloy plating between everyone aboard and a messy death by explosive decompression, using a firearm on the station seemed risky.
She snorted derisively, almost as though she couldn’t believe his reply.
“For your sake, I hope that whoever you’re waiting for is smarter than you are,” she said with a roll of her silver eyes. “This isn’t Earth, boy. There are no Shil Marines around to babysit you. Next time you want to play tourist, go somewhere closer to home.”
With a flick of her long hair, she turned about, vanishing into the crowd once more to leave him sitting at the bar in confusion.
Darren felt another hand on his shoulder and turned to see an Edixi wearing grease-stained overalls standing behind him. The tool belt that hung loosely about her hips let him know that she was a mechanic before she’d even had time to open her mouth.
Her kind were evolved for an aquatic environment, and although they were fully amphibious, they retained many of their ancient features. Their bodies were smooth and streamlined, with lean, lightly-muscled frames that made them look like Olympic swimmers. Her eyes were a striking ocean-green, and her azure skin was patterned with faded tiger stripes, darkening as it neared her extremities.
“You’re the new engineer, right?” she chirped excitedly.
“Darren Fogle, pleased to meet you,” he confirmed as he extended a hand. She took it, shaking it eagerly, and he noted that her fingers were webbed.
He was a little surprised by how smooth her skin was. Given the sharklike appearance of the Edixi – and her vocation – he’d expected it to be rough and scaly. Maybe cold and slimy, too. By contrast, it was warm and soft, her small scales smooth like a snake’s rather than sharp like those of a fish.
Odd.
“Oh, it is. It very much is. The boss told me to fetch you,” she said before turning back towards the street. “Don’t get lost, you hear? There are some rough types around these parts.”
Yes, she could say that again. He stooped to pick up his bag, then hurried after her, trying not to lose sight of her in the crowd. He also belatedly realized that she hadn’t told him her own name.
Was that an Edixi thing or was she just in a hurry?
The mechanic led him through the streets, which seemed to be arranged in a kind of grid pattern, always flanked by the towering hab-blocks. It was as challenging as ever to navigate when so many of the station’s inhabitants stood a head taller than him. It made him feel like a bug that was trying to avoid being stepped on.
He could only assume he’d get used to it. His guide seemed to have no problem getting around, and she was a few inches shorter than him.
Their destination was some kind of service elevator – a large platform that seemed designed to carry heavy cargo up from the docks, wide enough that a couple of trucks could have parked on it side by side. There were still a few cargo containers stacked off to one side that hadn’t been unloaded yet.
He watched as the woman hit a touch panel beside the double doors, and they began to slide shut, the platform lurching as Darren felt it start to rise. There was no grinding of machinery, no vibrations, only a sensation of getting heavier. It was obviously gravity-manipulation tech. It wasn’t too surprising – the Shil seemed to use it for just about everything, so it wasn’t too strange that the rest of the universe did as well.
Convergent technological development, he could almost imagine his Shil instructor saying as they started to descend. Good tech is good tech.
The hab-ring’s many levels flashed by one by one, until finally, the elevator slid to a smooth stop. Darren followed the happily humming mechanic out into a garage, his eyes lighting up as he took in his new surroundings.
Were those… mecha?
The bay’s walls were lined with bulky harnesses that were obviously designed to hold the machines in place, a few of the berths already occupied by half-disassembled vehicles.
They were!
“Real life mecha,” he mumbled.
As a mechanic, he wasn’t ignorant of the genre. After all, what kind of engineer didn’t hold a soft spot for giant stompy robots? Of course, as an engineer, he also held an inherent disdain for anyone that actually thought said machines were even remotely practical outside of the realm of fiction.
The Square Cube Law was a harsh mistress.
The long and short of it was that if you doubled a machine's height while keeping it the same shape, you ended up with four times the muscle power moving eight times the mass. As a result, instead of having the same relative agility as the original, the double-sized machine actually had only half.
That was why ants could lift so much relative to their weight. If you scaled one up, you’d end up with a much less impressive power to weight ration.
And, the problem only got worse the bigger you went. Giant robots would be slow, cumbersome, and they would inevitably suffer from exploding ankles if they tried to move too fast. They’d also sink in just about any terrain that was even slightly porous.
All in all, mecha were a cool concept with absolutely zero real world applications.
Which was why he was so stunned to see some in real life. Sure, the Shil military liked to use exos, but they were really just power armor by any other name with thrusters attached. Besides, the only reason those things could skip around like they did was because they had anti-grav generators…
His thoughts trailed off as an idea occurred to him. He jogged over to the nearest machine, peering up at the twenty-foot humanoid monstrosity. Its legs had been detached, leaving only a bulky torso covered in half-stripped sensory equipment, lenses and scanners visible where their protective covers had been removed. The cockpit was open, revealing the pilot’s seat, along with the surrounding neural interface cables that hung loose like the entrails of some mechanical beast. Its weapon attachments were empty, but it was nonetheless an awe-inspiring sight.
Sure enough, there were two oversized humps on the back. One was clearly for the thing’s fusion engine – and the other must have held the anti-grav generator.
“Darren?” the mechanic asked, having only just realized that he wasn’t behind her. “Aren’t you coming?”
“Y-yeah,” he said, jogging for a few paces to catch up. “That’s a mecha!”
The blue-hued alien nodded slowly. “Yes?”
“A mecha,” he reiterated.
Which prompted another slow nod. “You’ve never seen a gladiator mech before?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they tell you what job you’d be doing?” the mechanic asked, cocking her head in a rather adorable manner.
“No?” This time it was his turn to cock his head.
Several emotions seemed to fly across the alien’s face. He saw surprise, confusion, and dismay before she finally settled on irritation.
“Typical,” she grunted. “Just… follow me.”
AN: https://youtu.be/a3Xp1WhRQ9Q

Before you join 300 hour yoga teacher training in Rishikesh, you need to understand what it is, why it is designed and what benefits you will get from it.
What is 300-hour yoga teacher training in Rishikesh
300-hour yoga teacher training is a professional yoga training that covers the core educational categories such as methods, training, and practice, teaching methodology, anatomy, and physiology, etc. More specifically, this training is focused on advanced Ashtanga and Vinyasa Yoga.
300 Hour of Yoga Teacher Training is specifically designed to take your teaching skills to the next level. It will make your understanding deeper on the eight limbs of yoga. Aside from that, you will also be able to master the more advanced, detailed and/or subtle techniques and principles necessary to guide your students to physical, mental, and spiritual growth. You will improve your teaching skills and build a deeper connection with yourself and the practice of yoga.
The journey from yoga student to yoga teacher is beautiful, but you must continue to practice to become a master in your profession. As you learn about yoga traditions, methods, and philosophy, you will be reborn with a new perspective.
Undoubtedly, practicing yoga is very important. In this training, you will learn about different styles and teachings. When it comes to a yoga niche, regular practice can develop some new and unique skills in you that will make you stand out and expose your students to original ideas.
Once you are capable of teaching different students and you have developed knowledge and experience in you, you can explore your entrepreneurial side. You can build a strong presence in the yoga industry using your advanced credentials and expertise. And this certified training course will add advanced credentials to your resume.
Once you are a certified yoga teacher, you will not only be able to teach all levels of students, but you will also be able to provide safe, available, and excellent service to your students and the community.
However, this great journey as a yoga teacher will begin with the advanced 300-hour yoga teacher training course. To become a mentor, you will need to complete your yoga training and gather all the important information, and keep practicing to improve your craft.

GTA Online is Rockstar's incredibly popular cash cow that has been keeping gamers busy since 2013. Although the game should be relatively mature at this stage in its life, it still has plenty of flaws, such as horrendous loading times. These loading time issues have annoyed countless players, and now one player has tracked down the root issue to improve performance.
GTA V fan T0ST recently picked up GTA Online again to finish some new heists that have come out since he last played, but he was "shocked (/s) to discover that it still loads just as slow as the day it was released 7 years ago." With some grit, determination, and perhaps even some spite, T0ST decided it was "time to get to the bottom of this."
gta online ridiculous load times fixed benchmark
In the process of digging into GTA Online, T0ST had to do due diligence and research to make sure no one else figured out the problem. Once it was established that no one had, he ran some benchmarks on his PC with an aging FX-8350 CPU, NVIDIA GeForce GTX 1070 GPU, 16GB of DDR3, and a "cheap-o" Kingston SSD. Though these parts may be old, they should be plenty to get GTA Online off the ground in decent time, but that is not what happened. According to the data in the blog post, T0ST got into the story mode in approximately one minute and ten seconds, whereas it took nearly six minutes to get into online mode. After some polling, it appears that many other users are having the same issue . What could be happening here?
gta online ridiculous load times fixed taskmanager
Using the task manager, T0ST found that his CPU was being eaten for around four minutes during GTA Online's load process. Perhaps it was just a bottleneck happening on his CPU alone, but that would not make much sense. To track down the issue, T0ST went to dump the running processes' stack, showing where the offending process is happening in RAM. This information, acquired through Luke Stackwalker, gave T0ST a place to look for whatever was causing issues.
gta online ridiculous load times fixed lukestackwalker
After falling down the rabbit hole of trying to track down where the memory pointed, it all started to come together through assembly code reading and obfuscation. Evidently, when loading into GTA Online, a whopping 10MB worth of JSON is being parsed. It seems that it is data for something called "net shop catalog," which is likely just all the things purchasable in GTA Online using in-game currency.
gta online ridiculous load times fixed parseloop
Why this parsing takes so long is due to a function used called sscanf, which, in this instance, can be loosely equated to reading Romeo and Juliet by reading one word, then rereading the play, and then jumping back to the next word in the play. Furthermore, there is another bad programming issue just beside sscanf, which goes through the entire list of JSON entries in an array, one by one, and checks to see if there are duplicates by comparing a unique ID assigned to each item called a hash. Ultimately, it is a lot of extra and unnecessary work that slows down everything.
To solve this issue, T0ST decided to write a .dll (Dynamic Linked Library) and inject it into GTA so that sscanf is effectively streamlined. Also, rather than running duplication checks, they can just be skipped as items inserted into the storage array will always be unique, as was set up during the parsing effort. Once T0ST injected the DLL into GTA with both issues fixed, he saw his load times go from around six minutes down to a solid approximate two minutes.
As T0ST explains, this "won't solve everyone's load times - there might be other bottlenecks on different systems, but it's such a gaping hole that I have no idea how R* has missed it all these years." Ultimately, Rockstar needs to dig into this issue to save all GTA Online players headaches during loading. If you want to see what T0ST did exactly, you can check out his GitHub here and see what is going on. In any case, perhaps we will soon get an official statement from the development company, so keep an eye on HotHardware for updates.

The 300 Win Mag (Winchester Magnum) has been the gold standard big game hunting round for generations as it can take down game animals as small as coyotes all the way up to the great bears and moose. Its extreme versatility is one of the many reasons conservationists choose it for their hunting rifle season after season.
But today we are going to scale things down and set our sights on deer, an animal that the 300 Win Mag is more than capable of taking down at distances over 500 yards. However, not all 300 Win Mag ammo is created equal and some are better for filling your freezer with venison than others.
In this article, we’re going to give you our top 5 picks for the best 300 Win Mag ammo for deer, considering terminal ballistics, price, and availability. No matter which one of these cartridges you pick for your 300 Win Mag hunting rifle, you can rest assured that no trophy buck will walk very far when hit with one of these (if they move at all!)
If you’re in a hurry, grab a box of Federal Premium 180 gr Barnes TSX ammo and head into the woods, you won’t be sorry! But for those who want to stick around and learn about all our selections, keep reading.
If you’re new to hunting deer with a 300 Win Mag, check out our Buyer’s Guide HERE to learn more about how to choose the right hunting ammo for your rifle. On the other hand, if you’re just curious about the top five best deer-hunting ammo, scroll just a little further down.

The Top Five Best 300 Win Mag Ammo for Deer

• Federal Premium 180 gr Barnes TSX
• Remington Core-Lokt 180 gr SP
• Winchester Copper Impact 150 gr Extreme Point
• Barnes VOR-TX 165 gr TTSX
• Hornady American Whitetail 150 gr Interlock SP

The Best 300 Win Mag Ammo for Deer Overall

Federal Premium 180 gr Barnes TSX

Specs

• Casing: Nickel-Plated Brass
• Bullet Type: Barnes Triple-Shock X
• Bullet Weight: 180 gr
• Muzzle Velocity: 2,960 fps
• Muzzle Energy: 2,752 ft-lbs

Pros

• Controlled expansion
• Exceptional weight retention
• Availability
• Lead-free copper alloy bullet

Cons

• A little pricey

Why We Chose It

If you’re looking for 300 Win Mag ammo that simply does it all, then look no further than the Federal Premium 180 gr Barnes TSX. This hunting cartridge offers superior terminal ballistics, is legal for hunting in all fifty states, and is manufactured to Federal’s highest quality standards.
This round hits hard, has a nice flat trajectory, and is easy to find, what more could you ask for?
The Barnes Triple-Shock X (TSX) bullet line offers all of the features you want in a premium hunting bullet. The all-copper projectile includes a tapered, monolithic design that helps to increase the ballistic coefficient and reduce wind deflection.
The Barnes TSX 180-grain bullet also has a deep pocket at the tip, which promotes rapid expansion after penetration, creating a wound cavity near vital organs. Many hunters report deer dropping in their tracks when hit in the vitals with a Barnes TSX, which saves you hours of tracking a wounded deer through thick brush.
While some other options on our list are slightly more affordable, the Federal Premium 180 gr Barnes TSX is a trusted and effective hunting bullet that puts down big game quickly thanks to its controlled expansion. Which is certainly worth a few extra quarters per round if you ask me!

Honorable Mention

Hornady Precision Hunter 200 gr ELD-X - Hornady is one of those ammo companies that come up with ingenious designs and solves problems for hunters all over the country. The Hornady Precision Hunter ELD-X line for the 300 Win Mag is just that, a solution for every hunter.
The boattail design and Heat Shield tip keep the projectile on track from muzzle to target, while the InterLock ring keeps the jacket and core together, maximizing energy transfer and controlling the bullet’s expansion. This combination is devastating against any deer and can be a great alternative to Federal Premium if you can’t find it.

The Best 300 Win Mag Ammo for Deer For Versatility

Remington Core-Lokt 300 Win Mag 180gr PSP

Specs

• Casing: Brass
• Bullet Type: Pointed Soft Point
• Bullet Weight: 180 Grain
• Muzzle Velocity: 2,960 fps
• Muzzle Energy: 3,501 ft-lbs

Pros

• Affordable
• Perfect for all types of big game hunting
• Excellent expansion

Cons

• Not legal for hunting in California

Why We Chose It

Next up on our list is the versatile Remington Core-Lokt 180 gr PSP. If you’re looking for another hard-hitting hunting round that’s easy to find and won’t disappoint, then you simply can’t go wrong with Big Green. The 180-grain bullet is versatile enough for medium game like whitetail deer while powerful enough to take down larger game animals like elk and black bear.
The signature of the Remington Core-Lokt line is a lead core that’s chemically bonded to the copper alloy jacket. This means that the bonded core and jacket won’t separate on impact. Instead, the bullet will penetrate deeply before expanding. This controlled expansion is one of the many reasons why we love Remington Core-Lokt for deer hunting.
Despite being a soft point bullet, the Remington PSP has a relatively high ballistic coefficient and we found it to be incredible accurate in all our hunting rifles.
With a price point that any deer hunter can stomach, you can easily take the Remington Core-Lokt from target shooting right into the woods and get your freezer stocked with venison for the winter.

Honorable Mention

Federal 300 Win Mag 180 Grain SP - This Federal 180gr SP is designed to maximize penetration and control expansion, leading to more effective shots and keeping you from trailing wounded deer in the woods.
With a muzzle velocity of 2,960 fps, it’s a great round for long-distance shooting and medium to large game animals. The soft point design controls expansion, and the tapered jacket ensures penetration. Overall, this Federal hunting round is an excellent choice for any avid hunter.

The Best 300 Win Mag Ammo for Deer for Availability

Winchester Copper Impact 150 Grain Extreme Point

Specs

• Casing: Brass
• Bullet Type: Polymer-tip Extreme Point
• Bullet Weight: 150 Grain
• Muzzle Velocity: 3,260 fps
• Muzzle Energy: 2,539 ft-lbs

Pros

• Specifically designed for deer hunting
• Lead-free bullet design
• Affordable
• Easy to find

Cons

• Not great for big-game hunting

Why We Chose It

Winchester Copper Impact 150 gr 300 Win Mag ammo is a round no deer wants to find itself on the wrong end of. Developed with the needs of deer hunters in mind, Winchester Copper Impact was designed for insane expansion and high weight retention to impart maximum kinetic energy into a whitetail.
While the Copper Impact doesn’t pack as much bullet weight as some of the other heavier bullets on our list at 150 grains. It still packs more than enough punch to put down any deer you lay your crosshairs on.
The lighter 150 grain bullet offers hunters an incredibly flat trajectory and the polymer tip initiates expansion upon contact with soft tissue. The result is a round that’s incredibly accurate and deadly against thin-skinned game like whitetail, pronghorn, and mule deer.
Although the 150-grain bullet is not the best choice for elk or moose, Winchester Copper Impact 150 gr Extreme Point ammo is an amazing option if you’re looking to exclusively hunt deer-sized game at a price point any hunter will love.

The Best Premium 300 Win Mag Ammo for Deer

Barnes VOR-TX 165gr TTSX

Specs

• Casing: Brass
• Bullet Type: Tipped Triple-Shock X
• Bullet Weight: 165 Grain
• Muzzle Velocity: 3,285 fps
• Muzzle Energy: 3,120 ft-lbs

Pros

• Extremely accurate
• Exceptional terminal ballistics
• Deep penetration

Cons

• Availability

Why We Chose it

If you’re a hunter who takes pride in shooting the best ammo money can buy, then look no further than the Barnes VOR-TX 165 gr TTSX for your next deer hunt.
Similar to the TSX bullet we discussed earlier, the TTSX bullet is loaded with a polymer tip that helps initiate expansion upon impact. Furthermore, the boat tail bullet design helps increases accuracy for longer range shots.
The all-copper bullet design effectively eliminates lead exposure risks and also aids in weight retention for better, more effective shots. Although the 165-grain bullet is comparatively lighter than other hunting bullets on our list, you should have no reservations using it for this year’s deer and elk season thanks to its incredible terminal ballistics.
Barnes is known for producing excellent, high-quality rounds, and they have the price tag to match. However, if you want to shoot the best, then make sure you grab a box of Barnes VOR-TX 165 gr TTSX ammo whenever you see it, because most hunters won’t let it sit on the shelf for long!

Honorable Mention

Nosler Trophy Grade 180 gr Accubond - The Nosler Accubond is unquestionably one of the greatest hunting rounds ever to hit the chamber of a bolt-action rifle. As one of the absolute best hunting rounds in the industry, the Nosler Accubond offers hunters incredible terminal ballistics at insanely long ranges. Unfortunately, the round has become increasingly difficult to find but will drop anything from antelope to hogs and black bears. Grab some if you can find it, but expect to pay a premium for it.

The Best 300 Win Mag Ammo for Deer Hunting on a Budget

Hornady American Whitetail 150 gr Interlock SP

Specs

• Casing: Brass
• Bullet Type: Polymer Tip
• Bullet Weight: 150 grains
• Muzzle Velocity: 3,275 fps
• Muzzle Energy: 3,572 ft-lbs

Pros

• High ballistic coefficient
• Excellent terminal ballistics
• Affordable

Cons

• Not ideal for big game hunting

Why We Chose It

If you’re looking for a round that’s affordable and easy to find, you simply cannot beat Hornady American Whitetail 150 gr Interlock SP. And although this round might not break the bank, it is more than capable of bringing home the venison.
The Interlock Soft Point bullet design is the heart of the American Whitetail line. Designed with an internal belt inside the jacket, the Interlock Soft Point allows for rapid and deadly expansion while avoiding jacket separation. This allows the lead core and the copper jacket of the bullet to remain as one cohesive projectile and transfer almost all of its kinetic energy into the target.
Although not the best choice for large game like elk or bear, the 150-grain bullet is more than sufficient for felling any whitetail or mule deer that dares walk past your tree stand.
At a price that most every hunter can afford, Hornady American Whitetail 150 gr Interlock SP ammo is a staple at deer camps across the nation and will deliver the terminal performance you need to fill your bag limit this fall.

Parting Shots - Picking the Best 300 Winchester Magnum Cartridge

The 300 Win Mag has cemented its legacy as one of the gold standard cartridges by which all other big game calibers are measured by.
It’s proven itself time and time again in the field against deer, hogs, pronghorn, elk, moose, and bear and is more than capable of bringing home the trophy buck you’ve been stalking during the off season.
We’ve listed our top five choices for the best 300 Win Mag above, and we have no doubt in our mind that these rounds will serve you well this deer season.
If you’d like to learn more about the 300 Win Mag, keep scrolling and check out our buyer’s guide below. Otherwise Click HERE to go back to the top 5 list and make your selection!

300 Winchester Magnum Buyer’s Guide

Since the 1960s, the 300 Winchester Magnum has dominated long-range competitive shooting, hunting, and is a popular choice for police and military snipers. The caliber is well-known as a hard-hitting cartridge with blazing muzzle velocity and a flatter trajectory than the 308 Winchester and 6.5 Creedmoor.
Without question, there are a lot of different types of 300 Win Mag ammo available, and for some shooters it can be difficult to understand the difference between match-grade ammo and hunting rounds.
In the sections below, we are going to explain what makes for a great hunting round and what you should be looking for when you buy ammo for deer season.

Bullet Weight

You’ll hear a lot of shooters talk about grain weight. You’ve probably noticed the 300 Winchester Magnum ammo we listed above comes in various weights, from 150gr all the way up to 200gr.
So, how does a bullet’s weight play into which ammo you choose?
Well, there’s a lot to it. But ultimately, it’s important to remember that shot placement is going to make for a more effective hunt than having a bullet that’s just the right grain weight.
However, that doesn’t throw out the discussion entirely. We have some general guidelines for bullet weight and hunting in the industry. Take a look.

Medium-Sized Game Animals

If you’re hunting animals that weigh between 50-300 lbs, you’re hunting what we call medium-sized game . Deer, antelope, hogs, and pronghorns all typically fall into this category.
For these animals, it’s often recommended to use a 150gr-165gr bullet. Not because we’re worried about over-penetration or meat waste but because that grain weight is sufficient enough for those creatures.
A lighter bullet has a higher velocity which is more flat-shooting than some heavier rounds. So, lighter bullets tend to be a little more forgiving of ranging mistakes, making them great for hunting.

Larger Game Animals

Animals like bears, moose, and elk, typically weigh over 300 lbs, and we consider these large game creatures. If you’re after bigger game, then you’ll want to shoot heavy bullets like 180 gr or 200 gr because they transfers more kinetic energy and have adequate expansion to ensure a clean kill.

Bullet Design

Another aspect to consider is the bullet’s design. If you’ve ever been to a sporting good’s store, I’m sure you’ve seen a lot of different bullet name abbreviations that can be confusing if you aren’t familiar with them.
Different metals, shapes, and composites affect trajectory and terminal ballistics. For example, some 300 Win Mag rifle cartridges, like the Sierra Matchking, are great for long-range shooting but are inappropriate for hunting since they don’t expand.
So, which designs are best for deer hunting with the 300 Win Mag? Let’s take a look!

Soft Points

Soft Point bullets, typically referred to as SP on your ammo box, are have a metal jacket and soft lead cores. Similar to Jacketed Hollow Points (JHPs), soft point bullets have exposed lead at the tip. This exposed tip allows the bullet to mushroom when it encounters soft tissue, creating a large wound channel and increases the chances of an ethical kill. Traditional soft points are is one of the oldest hunting bullet designs.

Pointed Soft Points

The next evolution of traditional soft point bullets were the pointed soft point (PSP). PSP bullets have a sharper tip giving you better penetration and higher ballistic coefficient. PSP ammo is a great middle-ground between SPs and Polymer Tipped bullets because it shares many of the aerodynamic advantages of polymer tipped bullets while still having the rapid expansion of soft point bullets. Some common PSP bullets include the Nosler Partition, Winchester Power-Point, and Hornady Interlock.

Polymer Tips

Polymer-tipped bullets are the latest development in hunting ammo and all the rage right now. These hunting bullets are essentially hollow points bullets with a pointed polymer tip. The tips are designed to plunge into the hollow point when they encounter soft tissue. This initiates expansion immediately and creates a massive wound channel.
Polymer tipped bullets are also more aerodynamic than traditional soft points, which typically translates into a longer effective range.
Of course, you’ll see different variations of polymer-tipped ammo from the Winchester Silver Tip, Nosler Accubond and Ballistic Tip, and Barnes TTSX, just to name a few. Each manufacturer has its own special recipe, but ultimately, the design concept is the same.

Designs to Avoid

Believe it or not, there are some ammo designs that are illegal to use for hunting in some areas (you want to hunt, not get in trouble with law enforcement).
One of the more popular designs that aren’t appropriate for hunting any game is the FMJ (full metal jacket). These rounds are a solid lead core surrounded by a copper jacket that won’t expand. FMJs are best for plinking, target shooting, and competitions.
Match-grade ammo is also not appropriate for hunting, even if it uses a hollow point. These bullets are designed for extreme long range shooting, and while very accurate and aerodynamic, they do not expand when they encounter soft tissue.

Effective Range

Lastly, consider the distance between you and your next target. A 300 Winchester Magnum long-range hunting rifle has a lot of power, there’s no question about that. But different factory loads can perform differently in your rifle and affect your point of impact. Things like bullet drop, accuracy (measured in minute of angle or MOA), and muzzle velocity can vary from rifle to rifle.
In general, most 300 Win Mag hunting loads work great on deer within 500 yards. However, we can quantify that a bit more.
The effective range of a hunting cartridge on deer is typically defined by its kinetic energy. The accepted rule is that 1,000 ft-lbs of energy is required to ethically harvest a whitetail deer. This is not a hard and fast rule, but it gives you a general idea of how effective your chosen cartridge is on deer.
Of course, different ammo and hunting rifles act differently (a Ruger American will give you different results than the Ruger Precision). Just like how Hornady Superformance 165 gr CX might perform better in your Rem 700 as opposed to a 180 gr Nosler Partition. The best thing you can do is test your ammo in your chosen hunting rifle to determine its long range performance.

Frequently Asked Questions

Does the 300 Win Mag have more recoil than the 308 Winchester?

Yes. In general the 300 Win Mag will have around 9-10 ft-lbs of additional recoil than the 308 Winchester.

What’s the difference between the 30-06 and the 300 Win Mag?

The 30-06 Springfield was developed prior to WWI and was the US service rifle cartridge through the Korean War. On the other hand, the 300 Winchester Magnum is a belted-magnum cartridge that was developed in the 1960’s for big game hunting. Both cartridges are excellent choices for big game hunting and fire the same 0.308" diameter bullets making them great options for reloading if you enjoy making your own handloads.

What is the difference between the 300 Win Mag and the 300 Weatherby?

The 300 Weatherby Magnum and 300 Win Mag are two 30-caliber cartridges that are often compared. Although both cartridges fire the same 30-caliber bullets, the 300 Weatherby Mag is slightly longer and slightly more powerful than the 300 Win Mag.
Another major difference between the two is rifle availability, as the 300 Weatherby Mag is a proprietary cartridge and for many years you could only get a Weatherby rifle chambered in the caliber. On the other hand, virtually every rifle manufacturer has a rifle chambered in 300 Win Mag.

What is the difference between the 300 Win Mag and the 300 WSM?

The main difference between the 300 Win Mag and 300 Winchester Short Magnum (WSM) is that the 300 Win Mag fits in a long action rifle while the 300 WSM fits in a short action. Both rounds fire the same 30-caliber magnum bullets and have virtually identical ballistic performance. Check out this article if you want to learn more about the 300 WSM vs 300 Win Mag.

Back to Our Best 300 Win Mag Ammo for Hunting

At this point, it’s time to put your knowledge to good use! Click HERE to go back to our list. Click on the links to place your order, and we’ll have your next favorite 300 Win Mag hunting ammo shipped to you shortly!
Best 300 Win Mag Ammo for Deer: The Belted Freezer Filler originally appeared on Ammo.com

GTA Online is Rockstar's incredibly popular cash cow that has been keeping gamers busy since 2013. Although the game should be relatively mature at this stage in its life, it still has plenty of flaws, such as horrendous loading times. These loading time issues have annoyed countless players, and now one player has tracked down the root issue to improve performance.
GTA V fan T0ST recently picked up GTA Online again to finish some new heists that have come out since he last played, but he was "shocked (/s) to discover that it still loads just as slow as the day it was released 7 years ago." With some grit, determination, and perhaps even some spite, T0ST decided it was "time to get to the bottom of this."
gta online ridiculous load times fixed benchmark
In the process of digging into GTA Online, T0ST had to do due diligence and research to make sure no one else figured out the problem. Once it was established that no one had, he ran some benchmarks on his PC with an aging FX-8350 CPU, NVIDIA GeForce GTX 1070 GPU, 16GB of DDR3, and a "cheap-o" Kingston SSD. Though these parts may be old, they should be plenty to get GTA Online off the ground in decent time, but that is not what happened. According to the data in the blog post, T0ST got into the story mode in approximately one minute and ten seconds, whereas it took nearly six minutes to get into online mode. After some polling, it appears that many other users are having the same issue . What could be happening here?
gta online ridiculous load times fixed taskmanager
Using the task manager, T0ST found that his CPU was being eaten for around four minutes during GTA Online's load process. Perhaps it was just a bottleneck happening on his CPU alone, but that would not make much sense. To track down the issue, T0ST went to dump the running processes' stack, showing where the offending process is happening in RAM. This information, acquired through Luke Stackwalker, gave T0ST a place to look for whatever was causing issues.
gta online ridiculous load times fixed lukestackwalker
After falling down the rabbit hole of trying to track down where the memory pointed, it all started to come together through assembly code reading and obfuscation. Evidently, when loading into GTA Online, a whopping 10MB worth of JSON is being parsed. It seems that it is data for something called "net shop catalog," which is likely just all the things purchasable in GTA Online using in-game currency.
gta online ridiculous load times fixed parseloop
Why this parsing takes so long is due to a function used called sscanf, which, in this instance, can be loosely equated to reading Romeo and Juliet by reading one word, then rereading the play, and then jumping back to the next word in the play. Furthermore, there is another bad programming issue just beside sscanf, which goes through the entire list of JSON entries in an array, one by one, and checks to see if there are duplicates by comparing a unique ID assigned to each item called a hash. Ultimately, it is a lot of extra and unnecessary work that slows down everything.
To solve this issue, T0ST decided to write a .dll (Dynamic Linked Library) and inject it into GTA so that sscanf is effectively streamlined. Also, rather than running duplication checks, they can just be skipped as items inserted into the storage array will always be unique, as was set up during the parsing effort. Once T0ST injected the DLL into GTA with both issues fixed, he saw his load times go from around six minutes down to a solid approximate two minutes.
As T0ST explains, this "won't solve everyone's load times - there might be other bottlenecks on different systems, but it's such a gaping hole that I have no idea how R* has missed it all these years." Ultimately, Rockstar needs to dig into this issue to save all GTA Online players headaches during loading. If you want to see what T0ST did exactly, you can check out his GitHub here and see what is going on. In any case, perhaps we will soon get an official statement from the development company, so keep an eye on HotHardware for updates.

Are you looking to buy a domain name for your website or business? GoDaddy is one of the most popular domain registrars out there, offering a wide variety of domain extensions at affordable prices. In this article, we'll guide you through the process of buying a domain name on GoDaddy and provide some tips to help you choose the right domain for your needs.
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Step 3: Review Your Order and Check Out After you've chosen your domain and extension, review your order and check out. GoDaddy will guide you through the checkout process and ask for your payment and contact information. Be sure to review all the details carefully before submitting your order.
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I'm essentially giving up, I'm tired as fuck as being told and sold this promise bullshit of the surgerys and the methods that I am trying that it's pointless and effortless and regardless of who I am, genes or anything else, I'm going to be shackled by my wieght and I'm definently going to die, no if, no buts, nothing. I'm going to share my experiences and why I am comming to this decision.
I am and I am well, fully well aware of my situation, my chances and the risks, however, I do not like being fear mongled, lied to, discouraged and used as a fucking lab rat or a permanent source of money. I am 30m, 509 as of today. I suffer from PTSD, Depression, anxiety, S.A.D. I'm using a different acc from my original but I am gonna explain a bit of my story. My highest weight was 576. During that time, this was about 5 to 6 yrs ago, I started to develop my ptsd, Depression when I ran out of my meds and my doctors refused to refill, I hit a massive crisis moment. I've lost 6 months staying inside, gaining, my mind went everywhere, demons resurfaced and I was alone. Essentially my best friend (bro) was there and helped me regained some sense and eventually, my Dr decided to refill my meds and things started to get back on track for me. I started on my weightloss journey from there and made alot a process
On a better tl:Dr for my journey, changing my meds, watching shows and learning about nutrition, calories, vitimans and portions. Cut down on alot of foods, frozen, takeout, junk, and implemented a routine that got me down to 487.
I was hitting a pleateu and decided and accepted that further help would be needed, now here's where the bullshit
BMC (Boston Medical Center)
Me and my brother went to a appointment for possible gastric sleeve that I've heard about soo much from my 600 lb life. I was interested because from what I was told by the doctored, it takes out the majority of the stomach and the big part that releases the hunger hormone that makes some eat. Did a weigh in, sat down with the surgeon assistant and things went down hill from there. We was discussing the three surgeries, bypass, sleeve and band. The pros, the cons, risk, success rates, etc. I explain how I'd like the gastric sleeve. He looked at me and strongly advise the gastric bypass because
it's more successful, long term, permanent and in his words, actually work
I've explain my concern and my feelings against the bypass and not even finishing my words, he cut me off and said that I only wanted the sleeve so that I can still eat whatever I want and what's it. He went on to saying how some woman came with concerns of nolonger eating rice and ice cream. Told me the hernia, dumping syndrome, gallbladder issues and the throwing up with daily sickness is a small price to pay for a overall successful weightloss and happiness and living. I won't lie, I tuned him out because by that point, he's not listening to me so everything else I say is pointless. They gave me a folder of their program which takes place for 3 months to just start the program. Classes mandatory to learn about the life change, culinary classes, other stuff that though was a good idea, they put in my FUCKING MEDICAL NOTES FOR A MANDATORY BYPASS. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Mt Aubern in Boston
Scheduled a appointment, filled out online paperwork and joined a online call from the head and eldest and one of the founders of that location from decades ago. He guides me asking simple and understandable questions, like do I smoke weed cause it induces hunger. He also told me that his practice, he believes in genes playing a major role in wieght gain.(HEAVELY IMPORTANT FOR LATER) he sent me a link to watch which is mandatory, but educate me about the three options, a touch of the history, the pros, the cons, the percents of success, fails, etc. Moving on, I on the phone meet up with a social worker who God forgive me, was unbearable. In short, she's the type that covers her assess throw paper work and it's her way or the high way. She tells me, condencendently that I have no choice but to go to her, everyone goes through her. She explains that while everything is being process, I'd need to wait 2 months til then. I waited two months aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnd nothing. I've called them and God only knows why, their phone lines were disconnected. I've asked my pcp to reach out, nothing. 6 months later, I get a call from the social worker telling me in order to continue the program, I'd have to sign a waiver to have my social worker to share everything we talk about and it now has to be all about my wieght. She Never mentioned anything about that prior and it caught me off guard. I've asked what happened to the office and she claims she has No idea what I'm talking about. I've shared my feelings about the sudden process and she was saying " that's not my problem, I have it RIGHT HERE, I have it Right here you agreed to the waiver of your social worker and the discussions. We've talked about it and I have it right here that you've agreed to the steps" sounding snug, forcefully and uptight. All I hear from that is My Ass is Covered af and my rules my rule, and when something inevitably happens, MY ASS IS SAAAAAFFFEEEE, oh and too bad 🤷‍♂️
After speaking to my social worker about my concerns, I've called the sw back and told her I'm no longer interested. She said, " I'll pass the message" click*
MT Auburn in Waltham MA ( all in MA btw)
I've made a appointment after not getting anywhere and started to gain, I've asked my Dr office and ask for a recommendation for a comfortable, pleasant experience, I was told this place is excellent and nice. They sent me to Mt Auburn in Waltham. Walked in, pleasant af receptionist, Godforbit you're ruining their lunch( I'll explain in a bit) weigh in, walked in office, explained bit of my story, she took notes and asked questions. She then told me that I should eat lentils, that her other clients complain about eating that and she really pushes them to eat that and lots of protien powder, this is one of the things I don't like being compared with others left and right. She also advised me that I stead of eating with a TV on, to eat while there's nothing on. Few more mins and that makes one appointment. My next appoint I was told, extragerated that I cannot be late, I HAVE TO BE HERE EARLY AND ON TIME. Got there with the seriousness and the demand of being on time, mf receptionist ARE AT LUNCH. I have nothing against them having their break, but don't fucking demand me come here early to an empty receptionist, empty waiting room and the same Dr who DEMANDED THAT I COME EARLY SAW ME FROM THE HALL WAY AND IGNORED ME AFTER MAKING EYE CONTACT. waited essentially 20 min after my appointment and got seen by her. She essentially told me that everything I've been doing is Wrong. I've told her I've been using chickpea pasta, she nodded her head and said "nice, you should try whole wheat pasta" I told her that I don't do well with wheat in general, she simply said that I need to eat wheat. She gave me an annaligy that destroyed me
The body is the bank and food is money
The more money the bank has, the happier the bank is. The bank loves to hav3 money in its account, however, when the bank starts loosing money ( body loosing weight) the bank starts to panic and is going to hold on to as much money (cal) as it can.
I've tried to tell her my methods and habits and I was told that it's all bad, seriously bad. She advise me to eat a tv dinner lean cuisine, and gave me a pamphlet of what I needed to do. To explain, some of the methods was
Chick pea pasta, eat it twice a month
A hand full of peanuts as a snack
Eating low fat foods
There was a rebuttle for Everything!!!
Cheakpea=Needs to be wheat
Hand ful of peanuts, once a day=TOO MUCH FAT
Low fat foods=Not consuming enough protien shakes
I was also shamed that my meds, the big one, Clonidine .4mg causes weight gain and try to con me into Not taking it. When I told my family and friends the story, they all get disgusted and angry for me. The place essentially shamed me by saying it's a cause as to no matter how much I try, it promotes weight gain. It scared me to the point of skipping and going through withdrawals
When we finished, she saw the sadness in my face and asked if I'm alright and after I said yes, she said remember, the bank
I've forgot to mentioned that the fear chats is saying I'm gonna have a heart attack
ALL my problems involve ny wieght, litterally nothing much. Hell, i had a phycologist demand that I don't drink soda, insinuate that all my issues are involve with my wieght, even though she had a soda right next to her. Btw I don't like soda or surgury drinks. My current PHY wants to check my vitals for a AH HAH type move, asking for cholesterol, blood sugar and thyroid. It's serverly harming me both physically and mentally. It's got me so defeated and loss, I've essentially said Fuck it. No Dr is gonna hear me, no one wants to deal with me unless they're getting a pay day from my insurance. I've been told also that I've for got to mentioned, the last clinic says that genes doesn't mean anything. HOW THE FUCK DOES SAME HOSPITALS, DIFFERENT CLINICS SAY AND DO DIFFERENT THINGS?????
I've been told basically that anything without weightloss is pointless, ppl that I know that got the gastric bypass, a "sister" who got it gets sickly monthly, hernia, gallbladder, literally, she goes the hospital every month for a serious issue. It happens so much, we've lost track on how much. On top of that, she gained all that back and more, aaaannd still going through alot physically because of it. Before that, she was abit big, yes, but she never had any health issues, it more was an image issue
Someone I was a neighbor had the bypass, died of a heart attack by the age of 36
Me personally, my bloodpressure is 125/90(was 141/100)
Blood glucose 5.7 (was 6.0)
Thyroids are normal
I know and we'll aware my weight is dangerously high, however idk Genetics is helping in ways, and the reason I say that because and sadly, my Godbrother who's 33, slim/fit, works out and whatnot has diabetes type 2. He wasn't born with it and was Never big, he prob weigh bout 170
Someone else I know who's less than half my weight has hbp that's in the 160s, even going for at times 170+, he moves around and eats accordingly.
Majority of Dr's saying that everything is temporary and im fucked once I get older, meanwhile I have family in their 50s, 80s and 90s that are heavy set and doing very well aside from just the scale.
I will say that None of us are immobile, moving around feels natural and aside from having asthma that can trigger from stress, everything else is great honestly. No knee pains, no joint pains, in ways, flexible, and no family health issues.
We do encourage each other from not eating junk food or eating out. We all talk about what's on the nutrition facts and try to stay away from high sat fat, carbs and sugar. It's helped us in many ways, however with what was told to me by the "professionals" I honest to God gave up.......I gave up, I'm sorry
I'm not giving up like I wanna eat like Its going out of style or eat all the wrong things, but weighing myself every 2 months, counting every cal in meals to the point I'm having panic attacks and high anxiety that shuts me down mentally and not feeling like I'm living for myself, it's draining and tiring some by alot. I'm tired of looking for medical help since I'm getting different answers, different experiences, but being told the same be slim, be happy. Sad thing is my current phycologist tried to sell me on that by saying, lying imho " I have a few patients that got the surgery and they feel more energized and happy*. The second I said that a few ppl that had that is 6 ft under he shut that shit down way quickly. Im not being heard, I'm not being listened to. Why fucking Bother???

I'm essentially giving up, I'm tired as fuck as being told and sold this promise bullshit of the surgerys and the methods that I am trying that it's pointless and effortless and regardless of who I am, genes or anything else, I'm going to be shackled by my wieght and I'm definently going to die, no if, no buts, nothing. I'm going to share my experiences and why I am comming to this decision.
I am and I am well, fully well aware of my situation, my chances and the risks, however, I do not like being fear mongled, lied to, discouraged and used as a fucking lab rat or a permanent source of money. I am 30m, 509 as of today. I suffer from PTSD, Depression, anxiety, S.A.D. I'm using a different acc from my original but I am gonna explain a bit of my story. My highest weight was 576. During that time, this was about 5 to 6 yrs ago, I started to develop my ptsd, Depression when I ran out of my meds and my doctors refused to refill, I hit a massive crisis moment. I've lost 6 months staying inside, gaining, my mind went everywhere, demons resurfaced and I was alone. Essentially my best friend (bro) was there and helped me regained some sense and eventually, my Dr decided to refill my meds and things started to get back on track for me. I started on my weightloss journey from there and made alot a process
On a better tl:Dr for my journey, changing my meds, watching shows and learning about nutrition, calories, vitimans and portions. Cut down on alot of foods, frozen, takeout, junk, and implemented a routine that got me down to 487.
I was hitting a pleateu and decided and accepted that further help would be needed, now here's where the bullshit
BMC (Boston Medical Center)
Me and my brother went to a appointment for possible gastric sleeve that I've heard about soo much from my 600 lb life. I was interested because from what I was told by the doctored, it takes out the majority of the stomach and the big part that releases the hunger hormone that makes some eat. Did a weigh in, sat down with the surgeon assistant and things went down hill from there. We was discussing the three surgeries, bypass, sleeve and band. The pros, the cons, risk, success rates, etc. I explain how I'd like the gastric sleeve. He looked at me and strongly advise the gastric bypass because
it's more successful, long term, permanent and in his words, actually work
I've explain my concern and my feelings against the bypass and not even finishing my words, he cut me off and said that I only wanted the sleeve so that I can still eat whatever I want and what's it. He went on to saying how some woman came with concerns of nolonger eating rice and ice cream. Told me the hernia, dumping syndrome, gallbladder issues and the throwing up with daily sickness is a small price to pay for a overall successful weightloss and happiness and living. I won't lie, I tuned him out because by that point, he's not listening to me so everything else I say is pointless. They gave me a folder of their program which takes place for 3 months to just start the program. Classes mandatory to learn about the life change, culinary classes, other stuff that though was a good idea, they put in my FUCKING MEDICAL NOTES FOR A MANDATORY BYPASS. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Mt Aubern in Boston
Scheduled a appointment, filled out online paperwork and joined a online call from the head and eldest and one of the founders of that location from decades ago. He guides me asking simple and understandable questions, like do I smoke weed cause it induces hunger. He also told me that his practice, he believes in genes playing a major role in wieght gain.(HEAVELY IMPORTANT FOR LATER) he sent me a link to watch which is mandatory, but educate me about the three options, a touch of the history, the pros, the cons, the percents of success, fails, etc. Moving on, I on the phone meet up with a social worker who God forgive me, was unbearable. In short, she's the type that covers her assess throw paper work and it's her way or the high way. She tells me, condencendently that I have no choice but to go to her, everyone goes through her. She explains that while everything is being process, I'd need to wait 2 months til then. I waited two months aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnd nothing. I've called them and God only knows why, their phone lines were disconnected. I've asked my pcp to reach out, nothing. 6 months later, I get a call from the social worker telling me in order to continue the program, I'd have to sign a waiver to have my social worker to share everything we talk about and it now has to be all about my wieght. She Never mentioned anything about that prior and it caught me off guard. I've asked what happened to the office and she claims she has No idea what I'm talking about. I've shared my feelings about the sudden process and she was saying " that's not my problem, I have it RIGHT HERE, I have it Right here you agreed to the waiver of your social worker and the discussions. We've talked about it and I have it right here that you've agreed to the steps" sounding snug, forcefully and uptight. All I hear from that is My Ass is Covered af and my rules my rule, and when something inevitably happens, MY ASS IS SAAAAAFFFEEEE, oh and too bad 🤷‍♂️
After speaking to my social worker about my concerns, I've called the sw back and told her I'm no longer interested. She said, " I'll pass the message" click*
MT Auburn in Waltham MA ( all in MA btw)
I've made a appointment after not getting anywhere and started to gain, I've asked my Dr office and ask for a recommendation for a comfortable, pleasant experience, I was told this place is excellent and nice. They sent me to Mt Auburn in Waltham. Walked in, pleasant af receptionist, Godforbit you're ruining their lunch( I'll explain in a bit) weigh in, walked in office, explained bit of my story, she took notes and asked questions. She then told me that I should eat lentils, that her other clients complain about eating that and she really pushes them to eat that and lots of protien powder, this is one of the things I don't like being compared with others left and right. She also advised me that I stead of eating with a TV on, to eat while there's nothing on. Few more mins and that makes one appointment. My next appoint I was told, extragerated that I cannot be late, I HAVE TO BE HERE EARLY AND ON TIME. Got there with the seriousness and the demand of being on time, mf receptionist ARE AT LUNCH. I have nothing against them having their break, but don't fucking demand me come here early to an empty receptionist, empty waiting room and the same Dr who DEMANDED THAT I COME EARLY SAW ME FROM THE HALL WAY AND IGNORED ME AFTER MAKING EYE CONTACT. waited essentially 20 min after my appointment and got seen by her. She essentially told me that everything I've been doing is Wrong. I've told her I've been using chickpea pasta, she nodded her head and said "nice, you should try whole wheat pasta" I told her that I don't do well with wheat in general, she simply said that I need to eat wheat. She gave me an annaligy that destroyed me
The body is the bank and food is money
The more money the bank has, the happier the bank is. The bank loves to hav3 money in its account, however, when the bank starts loosing money ( body loosing weight) the bank starts to panic and is going to hold on to as much money (cal) as it can.
I've tried to tell her my methods and habits and I was told that it's all bad, seriously bad. She advise me to eat a tv dinner lean cuisine, and gave me a pamphlet of what I needed to do. To explain, some of the methods was
Chick pea pasta, eat it twice a month
A hand full of peanuts as a snack
Eating low fat foods
There was a rebuttle for Everything!!!
Cheakpea=Needs to be wheat
Hand ful of peanuts, once a day=TOO MUCH FAT
Low fat foods=Not consuming enough protien shakes
I was also shamed that my meds, the big one, Clonidine .4mg causes weight gain and try to con me into Not taking it. When I told my family and friends the story, they all get disgusted and angry for me. The place essentially shamed me by saying it's a cause as to no matter how much I try, it promotes weight gain. It scared me to the point of skipping and going through withdrawals
When we finished, she saw the sadness in my face and asked if I'm alright and after I said yes, she said remember, the bank
I've forgot to mentioned that the fear chats is saying I'm gonna have a heart attack
ALL my problems involve ny wieght, litterally nothing much. Hell, i had a phycologist demand that I don't drink soda, insinuate that all my issues are involve with my wieght, even though she had a soda right next to her. Btw I don't like soda or surgury drinks. My current PHY wants to check my vitals for a AH HAH type move, asking for cholesterol, blood sugar and thyroid. It's serverly harming me both physically and mentally. It's got me so defeated and loss, I've essentially said Fuck it. No Dr is gonna hear me, no one wants to deal with me unless they're getting a pay day from my insurance. I've been told also that I've for got to mentioned, the last clinic says that genes doesn't mean anything. HOW THE FUCK DOES SAME HOSPITALS, DIFFERENT CLINICS SAY AND DO DIFFERENT THINGS?????
I've been told basically that anything without weightloss is pointless, ppl that I know that got the gastric bypass, a "sister" who got it gets sickly monthly, hernia, gallbladder, literally, she goes the hospital every month for a serious issue. It happens so much, we've lost track on how much. On top of that, she gained all that back and more, aaaannd still going through alot physically because of it. Before that, she was abit big, yes, but she never had any health issues, it more was an image issue
Someone I was a neighbor had the bypass, died of a heart attack by the age of 36
Me personally, my bloodpressure is 125/90(was 141/100)
Blood glucose 5.7 (was 6.0)
Thyroids are normal
I know and we'll aware my weight is dangerously high, however idk Genetics is helping in ways, and the reason I say that because and sadly, my Godbrother who's 33, slim/fit, works out and whatnot has diabetes type 2. He wasn't born with it and was Never big, he prob weigh bout 170
Someone else I know who's less than half my weight has hbp that's in the 160s, even going for at times 170+, he moves around and eats accordingly.
Majority of Dr's saying that everything is temporary and im fucked once I get older, meanwhile I have family in their 50s, 80s and 90s that are heavy set and doing very well aside from just the scale.
I will say that None of us are immobile, moving around feels natural and aside from having asthma that can trigger from stress, everything else is great honestly. No knee pains, no joint pains, in ways, flexible, and no family health issues.
We do encourage each other from not eating junk food or eating out. We all talk about what's on the nutrition facts and try to stay away from high sat fat, carbs and sugar. It's helped us in many ways, however with what was told to me by the "professionals" I honest to God gave up.......I gave up, I'm sorry
I'm not giving up like I wanna eat like Its going out of style or eat all the wrong things, but weighing myself every 2 months, counting every cal in meals to the point I'm having panic attacks and high anxiety that shuts me down mentally and not feeling like I'm living for myself, it's draining and tiring some by alot. I'm tired of looking for medical help since I'm getting different answers, different experiences, but being told the same be slim, be happy. Sad thing is my current phycologist tried to sell me on that by saying, lying imho " I have a few patients that got the surgery and they feel more energized and happy*. The second I said that a few ppl that had that is 6 ft under he shut that shit down way quickly. Im not being heard, I'm not being listened to. Why fucking Bother???

I'm essentially giving up, I'm tired as fuck as being told and sold this promise bullshit of the surgerys and the methods that I am trying that it's pointless and effortless and regardless of who I am, genes or anything else, I'm going to be shackled by my wieght and I'm definently going to die, no if, no buts, nothing. I'm going to share my experiences and why I am comming to this decision.
I am and I am well, fully well aware of my situation, my chances and the risks, however, I do not like being fear mongled, lied to, discouraged and used as a fucking lab rat or a permanent source of money. I am 30m, 509 as of today. I suffer from PTSD, Depression, anxiety, S.A.D. I'm using a different acc from my original but I am gonna explain a bit of my story. My highest weight was 576. During that time, this was about 5 to 6 yrs ago, I started to develop my ptsd, Depression when I ran out of my meds and my doctors refused to refill, I hit a massive crisis moment. I've lost 6 months staying inside, gaining, my mind went everywhere, demons resurfaced and I was alone. Essentially my best friend (bro) was there and helped me regained some sense and eventually, my Dr decided to refill my meds and things started to get back on track for me. I started on my weightloss journey from there and made alot a process
On a better tl:Dr for my journey, changing my meds, watching shows and learning about nutrition, calories, vitimans and portions. Cut down on alot of foods, frozen, takeout, junk, and implemented a routine that got me down to 487.
I was hitting a pleateu and decided and accepted that further help would be needed, now here's where the bullshit
BMC (Boston Medical Center)
Me and my brother went to a appointment for possible gastric sleeve that I've heard about soo much from my 600 lb life. I was interested because from what I was told by the doctored, it takes out the majority of the stomach and the big part that releases the hunger hormone that makes some eat. Did a weigh in, sat down with the surgeon assistant and things went down hill from there. We was discussing the three surgeries, bypass, sleeve and band. The pros, the cons, risk, success rates, etc. I explain how I'd like the gastric sleeve. He looked at me and strongly advise the gastric bypass because
it's more successful, long term, permanent and in his words, actually work
I've explain my concern and my feelings against the bypass and not even finishing my words, he cut me off and said that I only wanted the sleeve so that I can still eat whatever I want and what's it. He went on to saying how some woman came with concerns of nolonger eating rice and ice cream. Told me the hernia, dumping syndrome, gallbladder issues and the throwing up with daily sickness is a small price to pay for a overall successful weightloss and happiness and living. I won't lie, I tuned him out because by that point, he's not listening to me so everything else I say is pointless. They gave me a folder of their program which takes place for 3 months to just start the program. Classes mandatory to learn about the life change, culinary classes, other stuff that though was a good idea, they put in my FUCKING MEDICAL NOTES FOR A MANDATORY BYPASS. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Mt Aubern in Boston
Scheduled a appointment, filled out online paperwork and joined a online call from the head and eldest and one of the founders of that location from decades ago. He guides me asking simple and understandable questions, like do I smoke weed cause it induces hunger. He also told me that his practice, he believes in genes playing a major role in wieght gain.(HEAVELY IMPORTANT FOR LATER) he sent me a link to watch which is mandatory, but educate me about the three options, a touch of the history, the pros, the cons, the percents of success, fails, etc. Moving on, I on the phone meet up with a social worker who God forgive me, was unbearable. In short, she's the type that covers her assess throw paper work and it's her way or the high way. She tells me, condencendently that I have no choice but to go to her, everyone goes through her. She explains that while everything is being process, I'd need to wait 2 months til then. I waited two months aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnd nothing. I've called them and God only knows why, their phone lines were disconnected. I've asked my pcp to reach out, nothing. 6 months later, I get a call from the social worker telling me in order to continue the program, I'd have to sign a waiver to have my social worker to share everything we talk about and it now has to be all about my wieght. She Never mentioned anything about that prior and it caught me off guard. I've asked what happened to the office and she claims she has No idea what I'm talking about. I've shared my feelings about the sudden process and she was saying " that's not my problem, I have it RIGHT HERE, I have it Right here you agreed to the waiver of your social worker and the discussions. We've talked about it and I have it right here that you've agreed to the steps" sounding snug, forcefully and uptight. All I hear from that is My Ass is Covered af and my rules my rule, and when something inevitably happens, MY ASS IS SAAAAAFFFEEEE, oh and too bad 🤷‍♂️
After speaking to my social worker about my concerns, I've called the sw back and told her I'm no longer interested. She said, " I'll pass the message" click*
MT Auburn in Waltham MA ( all in MA btw)
I've made a appointment after not getting anywhere and started to gain, I've asked my Dr office and ask for a recommendation for a comfortable, pleasant experience, I was told this place is excellent and nice. They sent me to Mt Auburn in Waltham. Walked in, pleasant af receptionist, Godforbit you're ruining their lunch( I'll explain in a bit) weigh in, walked in office, explained bit of my story, she took notes and asked questions. She then told me that I should eat lentils, that her other clients complain about eating that and she really pushes them to eat that and lots of protien powder, this is one of the things I don't like being compared with others left and right. She also advised me that I stead of eating with a TV on, to eat while there's nothing on. Few more mins and that makes one appointment. My next appoint I was told, extragerated that I cannot be late, I HAVE TO BE HERE EARLY AND ON TIME. Got there with the seriousness and the demand of being on time, mf receptionist ARE AT LUNCH. I have nothing against them having their break, but don't fucking demand me come here early to an empty receptionist, empty waiting room and the same Dr who DEMANDED THAT I COME EARLY SAW ME FROM THE HALL WAY AND IGNORED ME AFTER MAKING EYE CONTACT. waited essentially 20 min after my appointment and got seen by her. She essentially told me that everything I've been doing is Wrong. I've told her I've been using chickpea pasta, she nodded her head and said "nice, you should try whole wheat pasta" I told her that I don't do well with wheat in general, she simply said that I need to eat wheat. She gave me an annaligy that destroyed me
The body is the bank and food is money
The more money the bank has, the happier the bank is. The bank loves to hav3 money in its account, however, when the bank starts loosing money ( body loosing weight) the bank starts to panic and is going to hold on to as much money (cal) as it can.
I've tried to tell her my methods and habits and I was told that it's all bad, seriously bad. She advise me to eat a tv dinner lean cuisine, and gave me a pamphlet of what I needed to do. To explain, some of the methods was
Chick pea pasta, eat it twice a month
A hand full of peanuts as a snack
Eating low fat foods
There was a rebuttle for Everything!!!
Cheakpea=Needs to be wheat
Hand ful of peanuts, once a day=TOO MUCH FAT
Low fat foods=Not consuming enough protien shakes
I was also shamed that my meds, the big one, Clonidine .4mg causes weight gain and try to con me into Not taking it. When I told my family and friends the story, they all get disgusted and angry for me. The place essentially shamed me by saying it's a cause as to no matter how much I try, it promotes weight gain. It scared me to the point of skipping and going through withdrawals
When we finished, she saw the sadness in my face and asked if I'm alright and after I said yes, she said remember, the bank
I've forgot to mentioned that the fear chats is saying I'm gonna have a heart attack
ALL my problems involve ny wieght, litterally nothing much. Hell, i had a phycologist demand that I don't drink soda, insinuate that all my issues are involve with my wieght, even though she had a soda right next to her. Btw I don't like soda or surgury drinks. My current PHY wants to check my vitals for a AH HAH type move, asking for cholesterol, blood sugar and thyroid. It's serverly harming me both physically and mentally. It's got me so defeated and loss, I've essentially said Fuck it. No Dr is gonna hear me, no one wants to deal with me unless they're getting a pay day from my insurance. I've been told also that I've for got to mentioned, the last clinic says that genes doesn't mean anything. HOW THE FUCK DOES SAME HOSPITALS, DIFFERENT CLINICS SAY AND DO DIFFERENT THINGS?????
I've been told basically that anything without weightloss is pointless, ppl that I know that got the gastric bypass, a "sister" who got it gets sickly monthly, hernia, gallbladder, literally, she goes the hospital every month for a serious issue. It happens so much, we've lost track on how much. On top of that, she gained all that back and more, aaaannd still going through alot physically because of it. Before that, she was abit big, yes, but she never had any health issues, it more was an image issue
Someone I was a neighbor had the bypass, died of a heart attack by the age of 36
Me personally, my bloodpressure is 125/90(was 141/100)
Blood glucose 5.7 (was 6.0)
Thyroids are normal
I know and we'll aware my weight is dangerously high, however idk Genetics is helping in ways, and the reason I say that because and sadly, my Godbrother who's 33, slim/fit, works out and whatnot has diabetes type 2. He wasn't born with it and was Never big, he prob weigh bout 170
Someone else I know who's less than half my weight has hbp that's in the 160s, even going for at times 170+, he moves around and eats accordingly.
Majority of Dr's saying that everything is temporary and im fucked once I get older, meanwhile I have family in their 50s, 80s and 90s that are heavy set and doing very well aside from just the scale.
I will say that None of us are immobile, moving around feels natural and aside from having asthma that can trigger from stress, everything else is great honestly. No knee pains, no joint pains, in ways, flexible, and no family health issues.
We do encourage each other from not eating junk food or eating out. We all talk about what's on the nutrition facts and try to stay away from high sat fat, carbs and sugar. It's helped us in many ways, however with what was told to me by the "professionals" I honest to God gave up.......I gave up, I'm sorry
I'm not giving up like I wanna eat like Its going out of style or eat all the wrong things, but weighing myself every 2 months, counting every cal in meals to the point I'm having panic attacks and high anxiety that shuts me down mentally and not feeling like I'm living for myself, it's draining and tiring some by alot. I'm tired of looking for medical help since I'm getting different answers, different experiences, but being told the same be slim, be happy. Sad thing is my current phycologist tried to sell me on that by saying, lying imho " I have a few patients that got the surgery and they feel more energized and happy*. The second I said that a few ppl that had that is 6 ft under he shut that shit down way quickly. Im not being heard, I'm not being listened to. Why fucking Bother???

I'm essentially giving up, I'm tired as fuck as being told and sold this promise bullshit of the surgerys and the methods that I am trying that it's pointless and effortless and regardless of who I am, genes or anything else, I'm going to be shackled by my wieght and I'm definently going to die, no if, no buts, nothing. I'm going to share my experiences and why I am comming to this decision.
I am and I am well, fully well aware of my situation, my chances and the risks, however, I do not like being fear mongled, lied to, discouraged and used as a fucking lab rat or a permanent source of money. I am 30m, 509 as of today. I suffer from PTSD, Depression, anxiety, S.A.D. I'm using a different acc from my original but I am gonna explain a bit of my story. My highest weight was 576. During that time, this was about 5 to 6 yrs ago, I started to develop my ptsd, Depression when I ran out of my meds and my doctors refused to refill, I hit a massive crisis moment. I've lost 6 months staying inside, gaining, my mind went everywhere, demons resurfaced and I was alone. Essentially my best friend (bro) was there and helped me regained some sense and eventually, my Dr decided to refill my meds and things started to get back on track for me. I started on my weightloss journey from there and made alot a process
On a better tl:Dr for my journey, changing my meds, watching shows and learning about nutrition, calories, vitimans and portions. Cut down on alot of foods, frozen, takeout, junk, and implemented a routine that got me down to 487.
I was hitting a pleateu and decided and accepted that further help would be needed, now here's where the bullshit
BMC (Boston Medical Center)
Me and my brother went to a appointment for possible gastric sleeve that I've heard about soo much from my 600 lb life. I was interested because from what I was told by the doctored, it takes out the majority of the stomach and the big part that releases the hunger hormone that makes some eat. Did a weigh in, sat down with the surgeon assistant and things went down hill from there. We was discussing the three surgeries, bypass, sleeve and band. The pros, the cons, risk, success rates, etc. I explain how I'd like the gastric sleeve. He looked at me and strongly advise the gastric bypass because
it's more successful, long term, permanent and in his words, actually work
I've explain my concern and my feelings against the bypass and not even finishing my words, he cut me off and said that I only wanted the sleeve so that I can still eat whatever I want and what's it. He went on to saying how some woman came with concerns of nolonger eating rice and ice cream. Told me the hernia, dumping syndrome, gallbladder issues and the throwing up with daily sickness is a small price to pay for a overall successful weightloss and happiness and living. I won't lie, I tuned him out because by that point, he's not listening to me so everything else I say is pointless. They gave me a folder of their program which takes place for 3 months to just start the program. Classes mandatory to learn about the life change, culinary classes, other stuff that though was a good idea, they put in my FUCKING MEDICAL NOTES FOR A MANDATORY BYPASS. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Mt Aubern in Boston
Scheduled a appointment, filled out online paperwork and joined a online call from the head and eldest and one of the founders of that location from decades ago. He guides me asking simple and understandable questions, like do I smoke weed cause it induces hunger. He also told me that his practice, he believes in genes playing a major role in wieght gain.(HEAVELY IMPORTANT FOR LATER) he sent me a link to watch which is mandatory, but educate me about the three options, a touch of the history, the pros, the cons, the percents of success, fails, etc. Moving on, I on the phone meet up with a social worker who God forgive me, was unbearable. In short, she's the type that covers her assess throw paper work and it's her way or the high way. She tells me, condencendently that I have no choice but to go to her, everyone goes through her. She explains that while everything is being process, I'd need to wait 2 months til then. I waited two months aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnd nothing. I've called them and God only knows why, their phone lines were disconnected. I've asked my pcp to reach out, nothing. 6 months later, I get a call from the social worker telling me in order to continue the program, I'd have to sign a waiver to have my social worker to share everything we talk about and it now has to be all about my wieght. She Never mentioned anything about that prior and it caught me off guard. I've asked what happened to the office and she claims she has No idea what I'm talking about. I've shared my feelings about the sudden process and she was saying " that's not my problem, I have it RIGHT HERE, I have it Right here you agreed to the waiver of your social worker and the discussions. We've talked about it and I have it right here that you've agreed to the steps" sounding snug, forcefully and uptight. All I hear from that is My Ass is Covered af and my rules my rule, and when something inevitably happens, MY ASS IS SAAAAAFFFEEEE, oh and too bad 🤷‍♂️
After speaking to my social worker about my concerns, I've called the sw back and told her I'm no longer interested. She said, " I'll pass the message" click*
MT Auburn in Waltham MA ( all in MA btw)
I've made a appointment after not getting anywhere and started to gain, I've asked my Dr office and ask for a recommendation for a comfortable, pleasant experience, I was told this place is excellent and nice. They sent me to Mt Auburn in Waltham. Walked in, pleasant af receptionist, Godforbit you're ruining their lunch( I'll explain in a bit) weigh in, walked in office, explained bit of my story, she took notes and asked questions. She then told me that I should eat lentils, that her other clients complain about eating that and she really pushes them to eat that and lots of protien powder, this is one of the things I don't like being compared with others left and right. She also advised me that I stead of eating with a TV on, to eat while there's nothing on. Few more mins and that makes one appointment. My next appoint I was told, extragerated that I cannot be late, I HAVE TO BE HERE EARLY AND ON TIME. Got there with the seriousness and the demand of being on time, mf receptionist ARE AT LUNCH. I have nothing against them having their break, but don't fucking demand me come here early to an empty receptionist, empty waiting room and the same Dr who DEMANDED THAT I COME EARLY SAW ME FROM THE HALL WAY AND IGNORED ME AFTER MAKING EYE CONTACT. waited essentially 20 min after my appointment and got seen by her. She essentially told me that everything I've been doing is Wrong. I've told her I've been using chickpea pasta, she nodded her head and said "nice, you should try whole wheat pasta" I told her that I don't do well with wheat in general, she simply said that I need to eat wheat. She gave me an annaligy that destroyed me
The body is the bank and food is money
The more money the bank has, the happier the bank is. The bank loves to hav3 money in its account, however, when the bank starts loosing money ( body loosing weight) the bank starts to panic and is going to hold on to as much money (cal) as it can.
I've tried to tell her my methods and habits and I was told that it's all bad, seriously bad. She advise me to eat a tv dinner lean cuisine, and gave me a pamphlet of what I needed to do. To explain, some of the methods was
Chick pea pasta, eat it twice a month
A hand full of peanuts as a snack
Eating low fat foods
There was a rebuttle for Everything!!!
Cheakpea=Needs to be wheat
Hand ful of peanuts, once a day=TOO MUCH FAT
Low fat foods=Not consuming enough protien shakes
I was also shamed that my meds, the big one, Clonidine .4mg causes weight gain and try to con me into Not taking it. When I told my family and friends the story, they all get disgusted and angry for me. The place essentially shamed me by saying it's a cause as to no matter how much I try, it promotes weight gain. It scared me to the point of skipping and going through withdrawals
When we finished, she saw the sadness in my face and asked if I'm alright and after I said yes, she said remember, the bank
I've forgot to mentioned that the fear chats is saying I'm gonna have a heart attack
ALL my problems involve ny wieght, litterally nothing much. Hell, i had a phycologist demand that I don't drink soda, insinuate that all my issues are involve with my wieght, even though she had a soda right next to her. Btw I don't like soda or surgury drinks. My current PHY wants to check my vitals for a AH HAH type move, asking for cholesterol, blood sugar and thyroid. It's serverly harming me both physically and mentally. It's got me so defeated and loss, I've essentially said Fuck it. No Dr is gonna hear me, no one wants to deal with me unless they're getting a pay day from my insurance. I've been told also that I've for got to mentioned, the last clinic says that genes doesn't mean anything. HOW THE FUCK DOES SAME HOSPITALS, DIFFERENT CLINICS SAY AND DO DIFFERENT THINGS?????
I've been told basically that anything without weightloss is pointless, ppl that I know that got the gastric bypass, a "sister" who got it gets sickly monthly, hernia, gallbladder, literally, she goes the hospital every month for a serious issue. It happens so much, we've lost track on how much. On top of that, she gained all that back and more, aaaannd still going through alot physically because of it. Before that, she was abit big, yes, but she never had any health issues, it more was an image issue
Someone I was a neighbor had the bypass, died of a heart attack by the age of 36
Me personally, my bloodpressure is 125/90(was 141/100)
Blood glucose 5.7 (was 6.0)
Thyroids are normal
I know and we'll aware my weight is dangerously high, however idk Genetics is helping in ways, and the reason I say that because and sadly, my Godbrother who's 33, slim/fit, works out and whatnot has diabetes type 2. He wasn't born with it and was Never big, he prob weigh bout 170
Someone else I know who's less than half my weight has hbp that's in the 160s, even going for at times 170+, he moves around and eats accordingly.
Majority of Dr's saying that everything is temporary and im fucked once I get older, meanwhile I have family in their 50s, 80s and 90s that are heavy set and doing very well aside from just the scale.
I will say that None of us are immobile, moving around feels natural and aside from having asthma that can trigger from stress, everything else is great honestly. No knee pains, no joint pains, in ways, flexible, and no family health issues.
We do encourage each other from not eating junk food or eating out. We all talk about what's on the nutrition facts and try to stay away from high sat fat, carbs and sugar. It's helped us in many ways, however with what was told to me by the "professionals" I honest to God gave up.......I gave up, I'm sorry
I'm not giving up like I wanna eat like Its going out of style or eat all the wrong things, but weighing myself every 2 months, counting every cal in meals to the point I'm having panic attacks and high anxiety that shuts me down mentally and not feeling like I'm living for myself, it's draining and tiring some by alot. I'm tired of looking for medical help since I'm getting different answers, different experiences, but being told the same be slim, be happy. Sad thing is my current phycologist tried to sell me on that by saying, lying imho " I have a few patients that got the surgery and they feel more energized and happy*. The second I said that a few ppl that had that is 6 ft under he shut that shit down way quickly. Im not being heard, I'm not being listened to. Why fucking Bother???

I'm essentially giving up, I'm tired as fuck as being told and sold this promise bullshit of the surgerys and the methods that I am trying that it's pointless and effortless and regardless of who I am, genes or anything else, I'm going to be shackled by my wieght and I'm definently going to die, no if, no buts, nothing. I'm going to share my experiences and why I am comming to this decision.
I am and I am well, fully well aware of my situation, my chances and the risks, however, I do not like being fear mongled, lied to, discouraged and used as a fucking lab rat or a permanent source of money. I am 30m, 509 as of today. I suffer from PTSD, Depression, anxiety, S.A.D. I'm using a different acc from my original but I am gonna explain a bit of my story. My highest weight was 576. During that time, this was about 5 to 6 yrs ago, I started to develop my ptsd, Depression when I ran out of my meds and my doctors refused to refill, I hit a massive crisis moment. I've lost 6 months staying inside, gaining, my mind went everywhere, demons resurfaced and I was alone. Essentially my best friend (bro) was there and helped me regained some sense and eventually, my Dr decided to refill my meds and things started to get back on track for me. I started on my weightloss journey from there and made alot a process
On a better tl:Dr for my journey, changing my meds, watching shows and learning about nutrition, calories, vitimans and portions. Cut down on alot of foods, frozen, takeout, junk, and implemented a routine that got me down to 487.
I was hitting a pleateu and decided and accepted that further help would be needed, now here's where the bullshit
BMC (Boston Medical Center)
Me and my brother went to a appointment for possible gastric sleeve that I've heard about soo much from my 600 lb life. I was interested because from what I was told by the doctored, it takes out the majority of the stomach and the big part that releases the hunger hormone that makes some eat. Did a weigh in, sat down with the surgeon assistant and things went down hill from there. We was discussing the three surgeries, bypass, sleeve and band. The pros, the cons, risk, success rates, etc. I explain how I'd like the gastric sleeve. He looked at me and strongly advise the gastric bypass because
it's more successful, long term, permanent and in his words, actually work
I've explain my concern and my feelings against the bypass and not even finishing my words, he cut me off and said that I only wanted the sleeve so that I can still eat whatever I want and what's it. He went on to saying how some woman came with concerns of nolonger eating rice and ice cream. Told me the hernia, dumping syndrome, gallbladder issues and the throwing up with daily sickness is a small price to pay for a overall successful weightloss and happiness and living. I won't lie, I tuned him out because by that point, he's not listening to me so everything else I say is pointless. They gave me a folder of their program which takes place for 3 months to just start the program. Classes mandatory to learn about the life change, culinary classes, other stuff that though was a good idea, they put in my FUCKING MEDICAL NOTES FOR A MANDATORY BYPASS. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Mt Aubern in Boston
Scheduled a appointment, filled out online paperwork and joined a online call from the head and eldest and one of the founders of that location from decades ago. He guides me asking simple and understandable questions, like do I smoke weed cause it induces hunger. He also told me that his practice, he believes in genes playing a major role in wieght gain.(HEAVELY IMPORTANT FOR LATER) he sent me a link to watch which is mandatory, but educate me about the three options, a touch of the history, the pros, the cons, the percents of success, fails, etc. Moving on, I on the phone meet up with a social worker who God forgive me, was unbearable. In short, she's the type that covers her assess throw paper work and it's her way or the high way. She tells me, condencendently that I have no choice but to go to her, everyone goes through her. She explains that while everything is being process, I'd need to wait 2 months til then. I waited two months aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnd nothing. I've called them and God only knows why, their phone lines were disconnected. I've asked my pcp to reach out, nothing. 6 months later, I get a call from the social worker telling me in order to continue the program, I'd have to sign a waiver to have my social worker to share everything we talk about and it now has to be all about my wieght. She Never mentioned anything about that prior and it caught me off guard. I've asked what happened to the office and she claims she has No idea what I'm talking about. I've shared my feelings about the sudden process and she was saying " that's not my problem, I have it RIGHT HERE, I have it Right here you agreed to the waiver of your social worker and the discussions. We've talked about it and I have it right here that you've agreed to the steps" sounding snug, forcefully and uptight. All I hear from that is My Ass is Covered af and my rules my rule, and when something inevitably happens, MY ASS IS SAAAAAFFFEEEE, oh and too bad 🤷‍♂️
After speaking to my social worker about my concerns, I've called the sw back and told her I'm no longer interested. She said, " I'll pass the message" click*
MT Auburn in Waltham MA ( all in MA btw)
I've made a appointment after not getting anywhere and started to gain, I've asked my Dr office and ask for a recommendation for a comfortable, pleasant experience, I was told this place is excellent and nice. They sent me to Mt Auburn in Waltham. Walked in, pleasant af receptionist, Godforbit you're ruining their lunch( I'll explain in a bit) weigh in, walked in office, explained bit of my story, she took notes and asked questions. She then told me that I should eat lentils, that her other clients complain about eating that and she really pushes them to eat that and lots of protien powder, this is one of the things I don't like being compared with others left and right. She also advised me that I stead of eating with a TV on, to eat while there's nothing on. Few more mins and that makes one appointment. My next appoint I was told, extragerated that I cannot be late, I HAVE TO BE HERE EARLY AND ON TIME. Got there with the seriousness and the demand of being on time, mf receptionist ARE AT LUNCH. I have nothing against them having their break, but don't fucking demand me come here early to an empty receptionist, empty waiting room and the same Dr who DEMANDED THAT I COME EARLY SAW ME FROM THE HALL WAY AND IGNORED ME AFTER MAKING EYE CONTACT. waited essentially 20 min after my appointment and got seen by her. She essentially told me that everything I've been doing is Wrong. I've told her I've been using chickpea pasta, she nodded her head and said "nice, you should try whole wheat pasta" I told her that I don't do well with wheat in general, she simply said that I need to eat wheat. She gave me an annaligy that destroyed me
The body is the bank and food is money
The more money the bank has, the happier the bank is. The bank loves to hav3 money in its account, however, when the bank starts loosing money ( body loosing weight) the bank starts to panic and is going to hold on to as much money (cal) as it can.
I've tried to tell her my methods and habits and I was told that it's all bad, seriously bad. She advise me to eat a tv dinner lean cuisine, and gave me a pamphlet of what I needed to do. To explain, some of the methods was
Chick pea pasta, eat it twice a month
A hand full of peanuts as a snack
Eating low fat foods
There was a rebuttle for Everything!!!
Cheakpea=Needs to be wheat
Hand ful of peanuts, once a day=TOO MUCH FAT
Low fat foods=Not consuming enough protien shakes
I was also shamed that my meds, the big one, Clonidine .4mg causes weight gain and try to con me into Not taking it. When I told my family and friends the story, they all get disgusted and angry for me. The place essentially shamed me by saying it's a cause as to no matter how much I try, it promotes weight gain. It scared me to the point of skipping and going through withdrawals
When we finished, she saw the sadness in my face and asked if I'm alright and after I said yes, she said remember, the bank
I've forgot to mentioned that the fear chats is saying I'm gonna have a heart attack
ALL my problems involve ny wieght, litterally nothing much. Hell, i had a phycologist demand that I don't drink soda, insinuate that all my issues are involve with my wieght, even though she had a soda right next to her. Btw I don't like soda or surgury drinks. My current PHY wants to check my vitals for a AH HAH type move, asking for cholesterol, blood sugar and thyroid. It's serverly harming me both physically and mentally. It's got me so defeated and loss, I've essentially said Fuck it. No Dr is gonna hear me, no one wants to deal with me unless they're getting a pay day from my insurance. I've been told also that I've for got to mentioned, the last clinic says that genes doesn't mean anything. HOW THE FUCK DOES SAME HOSPITALS, DIFFERENT CLINICS SAY AND DO DIFFERENT THINGS?????
I've been told basically that anything without weightloss is pointless, ppl that I know that got the gastric bypass, a "sister" who got it gets sickly monthly, hernia, gallbladder, literally, she goes the hospital every month for a serious issue. It happens so much, we've lost track on how much. On top of that, she gained all that back and more, aaaannd still going through alot physically because of it. Before that, she was abit big, yes, but she never had any health issues, it more was an image issue
Someone I was a neighbor had the bypass, died of a heart attack by the age of 36
Me personally, my bloodpressure is 125/90(was 141/100)
Blood glucose 5.7 (was 6.0)
Thyroids are normal
I know and we'll aware my weight is dangerously high, however idk Genetics is helping in ways, and the reason I say that because and sadly, my Godbrother who's 33, slim/fit, works out and whatnot has diabetes type 2. He wasn't born with it and was Never big, he prob weigh bout 170
Someone else I know who's less than half my weight has hbp that's in the 160s, even going for at times 170+, he moves around and eats accordingly.
Majority of Dr's saying that everything is temporary and im fucked once I get older, meanwhile I have family in their 50s, 80s and 90s that are heavy set and doing very well aside from just the scale.
I will say that None of us are immobile, moving around feels natural and aside from having asthma that can trigger from stress, everything else is great honestly. No knee pains, no joint pains, in ways, flexible, and no family health issues.
We do encourage each other from not eating junk food or eating out. We all talk about what's on the nutrition facts and try to stay away from high sat fat, carbs and sugar. It's helped us in many ways, however with what was told to me by the "professionals" I honest to God gave up.......I gave up, I'm sorry
I'm not giving up like I wanna eat like Its going out of style or eat all the wrong things, but weighing myself every 2 months, counting every cal in meals to the point I'm having panic attacks and high anxiety that shuts me down mentally and not feeling like I'm living for myself, it's draining and tiring some by alot. I'm tired of looking for medical help since I'm getting different answers, different experiences, but being told the same be slim, be happy. Sad thing is my current phycologist tried to sell me on that by saying, lying imho " I have a few patients that got the surgery and they feel more energized and happy*. The second I said that a few ppl that had that is 6 ft under he shut that shit down way quickly. Im not being heard, I'm not being listened to. Why fucking Bother???

I'm essentially giving up, I'm tired as fuck as being told and sold this promise bullshit of the surgerys and the methods that I am trying that it's pointless and effortless and regardless of who I am, genes or anything else, I'm going to be shackled by my wieght and I'm definently going to die, no if, no buts, nothing. I'm going to share my experiences and why I am comming to this decision.
I am and I am well, fully well aware of my situation, my chances and the risks, however, I do not like being fear mongled, lied to, discouraged and used as a fucking lab rat or a permanent source of money. I am 30m, 509 as of today. I suffer from PTSD, Depression, anxiety, S.A.D. I'm using a different acc from my original but I am gonna explain a bit of my story. My highest weight was 576. During that time, this was about 5 to 6 yrs ago, I started to develop my ptsd, Depression when I ran out of my meds and my doctors refused to refill, I hit a massive crisis moment. I've lost 6 months staying inside, gaining, my mind went everywhere, demons resurfaced and I was alone. Essentially my best friend (bro) was there and helped me regained some sense and eventually, my Dr decided to refill my meds and things started to get back on track for me. I started on my weightloss journey from there and made alot a process
On a better tl:Dr for my journey, changing my meds, watching shows and learning about nutrition, calories, vitimans and portions. Cut down on alot of foods, frozen, takeout, junk, and implemented a routine that got me down to 487.
I was hitting a pleateu and decided and accepted that further help would be needed, now here's where the bullshit
BMC (Boston Medical Center)
Me and my brother went to a appointment for possible gastric sleeve that I've heard about soo much from my 600 lb life. I was interested because from what I was told by the doctored, it takes out the majority of the stomach and the big part that releases the hunger hormone that makes some eat. Did a weigh in, sat down with the surgeon assistant and things went down hill from there. We was discussing the three surgeries, bypass, sleeve and band. The pros, the cons, risk, success rates, etc. I explain how I'd like the gastric sleeve. He looked at me and strongly advise the gastric bypass because
it's more successful, long term, permanent and in his words, actually work
I've explain my concern and my feelings against the bypass and not even finishing my words, he cut me off and said that I only wanted the sleeve so that I can still eat whatever I want and what's it. He went on to saying how some woman came with concerns of nolonger eating rice and ice cream. Told me the hernia, dumping syndrome, gallbladder issues and the throwing up with daily sickness is a small price to pay for a overall successful weightloss and happiness and living. I won't lie, I tuned him out because by that point, he's not listening to me so everything else I say is pointless. They gave me a folder of their program which takes place for 3 months to just start the program. Classes mandatory to learn about the life change, culinary classes, other stuff that though was a good idea, they put in my FUCKING MEDICAL NOTES FOR A MANDATORY BYPASS. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Mt Aubern in Boston
Scheduled a appointment, filled out online paperwork and joined a online call from the head and eldest and one of the founders of that location from decades ago. He guides me asking simple and understandable questions, like do I smoke weed cause it induces hunger. He also told me that his practice, he believes in genes playing a major role in wieght gain.(HEAVELY IMPORTANT FOR LATER) he sent me a link to watch which is mandatory, but educate me about the three options, a touch of the history, the pros, the cons, the percents of success, fails, etc. Moving on, I on the phone meet up with a social worker who God forgive me, was unbearable. In short, she's the type that covers her assess throw paper work and it's her way or the high way. She tells me, condencendently that I have no choice but to go to her, everyone goes through her. She explains that while everything is being process, I'd need to wait 2 months til then. I waited two months aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnd nothing. I've called them and God only knows why, their phone lines were disconnected. I've asked my pcp to reach out, nothing. 6 months later, I get a call from the social worker telling me in order to continue the program, I'd have to sign a waiver to have my social worker to share everything we talk about and it now has to be all about my wieght. She Never mentioned anything about that prior and it caught me off guard. I've asked what happened to the office and she claims she has No idea what I'm talking about. I've shared my feelings about the sudden process and she was saying " that's not my problem, I have it RIGHT HERE, I have it Right here you agreed to the waiver of your social worker and the discussions. We've talked about it and I have it right here that you've agreed to the steps" sounding snug, forcefully and uptight. All I hear from that is My Ass is Covered af and my rules my rule, and when something inevitably happens, MY ASS IS SAAAAAFFFEEEE, oh and too bad 🤷‍♂️
After speaking to my social worker about my concerns, I've called the sw back and told her I'm no longer interested. She said, " I'll pass the message" click*
MT Auburn in Waltham MA ( all in MA btw)
I've made a appointment after not getting anywhere and started to gain, I've asked my Dr office and ask for a recommendation for a comfortable, pleasant experience, I was told this place is excellent and nice. They sent me to Mt Auburn in Waltham. Walked in, pleasant af receptionist, Godforbit you're ruining their lunch( I'll explain in a bit) weigh in, walked in office, explained bit of my story, she took notes and asked questions. She then told me that I should eat lentils, that her other clients complain about eating that and she really pushes them to eat that and lots of protien powder, this is one of the things I don't like being compared with others left and right. She also advised me that I stead of eating with a TV on, to eat while there's nothing on. Few more mins and that makes one appointment. My next appoint I was told, extragerated that I cannot be late, I HAVE TO BE HERE EARLY AND ON TIME. Got there with the seriousness and the demand of being on time, mf receptionist ARE AT LUNCH. I have nothing against them having their break, but don't fucking demand me come here early to an empty receptionist, empty waiting room and the same Dr who DEMANDED THAT I COME EARLY SAW ME FROM THE HALL WAY AND IGNORED ME AFTER MAKING EYE CONTACT. waited essentially 20 min after my appointment and got seen by her. She essentially told me that everything I've been doing is Wrong. I've told her I've been using chickpea pasta, she nodded her head and said "nice, you should try whole wheat pasta" I told her that I don't do well with wheat in general, she simply said that I need to eat wheat. She gave me an annaligy that destroyed me
The body is the bank and food is money
The more money the bank has, the happier the bank is. The bank loves to hav3 money in its account, however, when the bank starts loosing money ( body loosing weight) the bank starts to panic and is going to hold on to as much money (cal) as it can.
I've tried to tell her my methods and habits and I was told that it's all bad, seriously bad. She advise me to eat a tv dinner lean cuisine, and gave me a pamphlet of what I needed to do. To explain, some of the methods was
Chick pea pasta, eat it twice a month
A hand full of peanuts as a snack
Eating low fat foods
There was a rebuttle for Everything!!!
Cheakpea=Needs to be wheat
Hand ful of peanuts, once a day=TOO MUCH FAT
Low fat foods=Not consuming enough protien shakes
I was also shamed that my meds, the big one, Clonidine .4mg causes weight gain and try to con me into Not taking it. When I told my family and friends the story, they all get disgusted and angry for me. The place essentially shamed me by saying it's a cause as to no matter how much I try, it promotes weight gain. It scared me to the point of skipping and going through withdrawals
When we finished, she saw the sadness in my face and asked if I'm alright and after I said yes, she said remember, the bank
I've forgot to mentioned that the fear chats is saying I'm gonna have a heart attack
ALL my problems involve ny wieght, litterally nothing much. Hell, i had a phycologist demand that I don't drink soda, insinuate that all my issues are involve with my wieght, even though she had a soda right next to her. Btw I don't like soda or surgury drinks. My current PHY wants to check my vitals for a AH HAH type move, asking for cholesterol, blood sugar and thyroid. It's serverly harming me both physically and mentally. It's got me so defeated and loss, I've essentially said Fuck it. No Dr is gonna hear me, no one wants to deal with me unless they're getting a pay day from my insurance. I've been told also that I've for got to mentioned, the last clinic says that genes doesn't mean anything. HOW THE FUCK DOES SAME HOSPITALS, DIFFERENT CLINICS SAY AND DO DIFFERENT THINGS?????
I've been told basically that anything without weightloss is pointless, ppl that I know that got the gastric bypass, a "sister" who got it gets sickly monthly, hernia, gallbladder, literally, she goes the hospital every month for a serious issue. It happens so much, we've lost track on how much. On top of that, she gained all that back and more, aaaannd still going through alot physically because of it. Before that, she was abit big, yes, but she never had any health issues, it more was an image issue
Someone I was a neighbor had the bypass, died of a heart attack by the age of 36
Me personally, my bloodpressure is 125/90(was 141/100)
Blood glucose 5.7 (was 6.0)
Thyroids are normal
I know and we'll aware my weight is dangerously high, however idk Genetics is helping in ways, and the reason I say that because and sadly, my Godbrother who's 33, slim/fit, works out and whatnot has diabetes type 2. He wasn't born with it and was Never big, he prob weigh bout 170
Someone else I know who's less than half my weight has hbp that's in the 160s, even going for at times 170+, he moves around and eats accordingly.
Majority of Dr's saying that everything is temporary and im fucked once I get older, meanwhile I have family in their 50s, 80s and 90s that are heavy set and doing very well aside from just the scale.
I will say that None of us are immobile, moving around feels natural and aside from having asthma that can trigger from stress, everything else is great honestly. No knee pains, no joint pains, in ways, flexible, and no family health issues.
We do encourage each other from not eating junk food or eating out. We all talk about what's on the nutrition facts and try to stay away from high sat fat, carbs and sugar. It's helped us in many ways, however with what was told to me by the "professionals" I honest to God gave up.......I gave up, I'm sorry
I'm not giving up like I wanna eat like Its going out of style or eat all the wrong things, but weighing myself every 2 months, counting every cal in meals to the point I'm having panic attacks and high anxiety that shuts me down mentally and not feeling like I'm living for myself, it's draining and tiring some by alot. I'm tired of looking for medical help since I'm getting different answers, different experiences, but being told the same be slim, be happy. Sad thing is my current phycologist tried to sell me on that by saying, lying imho " I have a few patients that got the surgery and they feel more energized and happy*. The second I said that a few ppl that had that is 6 ft under he shut that shit down way quickly. Im not being heard, I'm not being listened to. Why fucking Bother???

I'm going to be covering these topics out of order, with respect to their sequence in the title. Also, apologies in advance for retreading some of the ground from my previous submissions. Spoilers for the Frenzied Flame and Age of the Duskborn endings.
How flower colors support the theory that Melina is St. Trina
This is something I later added to my recent theory on gloam, but I also thought it was interesting enough to warrant its own post. In that submission, I posited that gloam is actually two colors, primarily: purple—or indigo, as I suggested and tried to explain in an appendment at the bottom—and faded or tarnished gold.
Something I noticed about these colors that they are prominently associated with, and almost equivalent to, the color schemes of Miquella and St. Trina: Miquella is associated with gold, and St. Trina with purple. Now, Miquella is actually primarily represented by unalloyed gold, which realistically does not fade or tarnish. However, Miquella's lilies are indeed described as faded, just like the dusky erdleaf flowers mentioned in that post.
The first line of the description for Miquella's lily reads: "A delicate water lily of unalloyed gold that has started to fade and wilt."
These lilies, I believe, are important visual hints as to the identity of Melina and St. Trina.
Miquella's lily (faded gold) and St. Trina's lily (purple)
Melina's faded gold eye, and purple-indigo eye
Note that Miquella's and Trina's lily are found directly adjacent to each other in the crafting materials menu, matching the positioning of Melina's eyes. However, I did change the order of the lilies in the picture shown; in the menu, Trina's lily is found on the left, and Miquella's on the right. That being said, there might be a way to resolve this minor discrepancy: Even though the flowers and eyes appear to be ordered differently, this is only true if we base our judgment on our own perspective; Melina's gloam eye is on our right, but it's really her left eye, which corresponds with Trina's lily being on the left. The same is true for Miquella's lily and Melina's golden eye.
It's also interesting to look at Miquella's lily alongside the golden sunflower, which by the way, are also placed right next to each other in the menu, in the same order shown below.
golden sunflower and St. Trina's lily
The sunflower resembles Melina's gold eye, as well as an eclipse. Plus, if you ask me, the spiraling petals of Trina's lily on the right have a slight resemblance to the crow's talons on Melina's indigo eye.
Another important piece of evidence is the description for the golden sunflower. It reads: "At the foot of the Erdtree, they retain their color, along with a powerful holy essence."
This is the same phrasing we hear from Melina when describing her origins: "The Erdtree...is close. Only a little further till the foot of the Erdtree, and the accord is fulfilled. It takes me back. I was born at the foot of the Erdtree. Where mother gave me my purpose." You may recall that Melina also maintains certain attributes at the foot of the Erdtree: namely, her ability to "govern her own movement", and also, it seems, her memory (since memories are gold, and the Erdtree is made of them).
Below you can see how gold and purple flowers are clustered together in the item menu. I checked that this is the proper order, and that there are no missing crafting materials between the flowers in this row.
a full row of purple and golden flowers
Yet another pairing that makes sense is tha of the grave violet and tarnished golden sunflower. As I've said, Melina's golden eye is faded, or tarnished. (In case it's not clear why I consider faded and tarnished gold to be close enough, here's one reason: Godfrey's eyes, which are golden, faded at the moment he became Tarnished.) The grave violet of course relates to death, which Melina threatens us with after her sealed eye opens. Additionally, Melina has links to ghostflame through the crow's foot on her eye, since crows and deathbirds are shown to be connected in the description for the Ravenmount clothing set. Finally, Melina is also linked to spirit calling, since it appears she is Torrent's former master, and we know it was from this person that Ranni received the spirit calling bell.
I should also mention, as I already have in my dedicated post on Melina and St. Trina connections, that there is a second pair of colors important to Miquella and Melina, in addition to gold and purple. These colors are black and white. In this case however, the pairing is a complementary contrast, and shows how the two characters differ from each other.
Melina is strongly linked with the color black; she wears a black robe, and her hair turns black in the Frenzied Flame ending. There's also the fact that her indigo eye resembles a black hole, which I discussed a while back in my theories on gravity's connection to the Gloam-Eyed Queen. Miquella, by contrast, is color-coded white. His infant form is mostly white (along with gold), and his cocoon is white, as are his robes in the DLC image.
I would summarize the color schemes of Melina and Miquella like this: Miquella is purple and gold + white, and Melina is purple and gold + black.
I'd like to mention one other thing for this section, and that's the general floral connection between Melina and St. Trina, regardless of the flowers' colors. St. Trina's torch depicts a flower above her head, and Melina uses a skill called Miranda's Prayer, which references the miranda flowers in name and in the style of the attack. Furthermore, there is a relief in Elphael that I believe depicts St. Trina rising out of miranda flower. (I discuss this relief extensively in my recent post on Elphael.) So even if the flowers weren't the same colors, I still think the shared association with flowers hints at Melina being St. Trina.
The third color of gloam
The user The_Deep_Dark_Abyss pointed out to me in the comment section of my aforementioned gloam post that the Age of the Duskborn ending depicts the Lands Between without a sun. They interpreted this as stemming from the eclipse, which is integral to Godwyn's story, and has a non-trivial resemblance to the mending rune of the Death Prince (particularly the drained eclipse depiction). Their idea was that the Age of the Duskborn has a darkened sky because of the eclipse.
I don't think they agreed with my linking of the Duskborn ending to gloam; but to me the connections are well-evidenced, especially in light of their observations of the shading in this ending. To me, the word 'dusk' in Duskborn clearly suggests an association or equivalence with gloam, since 'gloam' and 'dusk' are regarded as synonymous by most dictionaries and thesauruses.
The conclusion I reached is that dusk might also be represented as grey. This is the color of the sky in the Duskborn ending. I think it would make sense for grey to be another form of gloam, because sunlight is often portrayed as white, and in opposition to the black of night. And black and white of course make grey.
The Erdtree and sky in the Age of the Duskborn ending
There is a potential connection as well to the color-drained eclipse, which is white and black; even though I think the colored, tarnished-gold eclipse makes a bit more sense for an age in which Godwyn (the Golden) has some kind of authority. Maybe this is in fact the case? Is the Erdtree itself providing the gold, making the overall scene one of tarnished gold?
This makes quite a bit of sense. However, there's something that deserves special attention in this scene: the leaves. I remember learning from someone that the phrase "The fallen leaves tell a story" is actually saying that the inhabitants of the Lands Between can understand their history and the current order by examining the fallen leaves of the Erdtree, which change color along with the Erdtree itself. Something interesting is that the fallen leaves of the Erdtree seen in Leyndell before the game's ending are already black and gold. This appears to remain the case in the Dung Eater's ending.
In the Duskborn ending, we can see both colors of leaves: golden leaves in the Erdtree (shown in the picture above), and black/grey leaves on the ground, seen below. However, the latter—i.e. the "fallen leaves" are exclusively black/grey.
Grey/black fallen leaves; I think grey is the better descriptor, since you can see what black looks like in Fia's deathbed dress on the right.
If it's the fallen leaves that tell a story, these might ultimately have more significance. The developers could have just left the fallen leaves black and gold, if they were trying to match the colors of the fallen leaves to the eclipse or tarnished gold. So, while there are valid counterarguments, I think there's still a case to be made that one color of gloam is grey, in addition to gold and purple.
(Actually, since I've been equating black/grey a few times... I had the [probably wrong] idea that the tarnished part of the gold could in some cases be grey, not black. If this were true, it would mean that one color of gloam, tarnished gold, would itself be composed of another color of gloam, grey. While I can't say I'm convinced of this myself, it would match even better with Melina's golden eye, which is more greyed than blackened.)
Now, I personally believe this third form of gloam being black + white has greater significance and ties into other notable color pairings in the game, which I'll do my best to explain now.
In the same comment section on post I mentioned, M00n_Slippers made the astounding observation that the color pairing of blue and red, which make purple (gloam), is perfectly mirrored by the combination of black and gold, which as I suggested in the post, also make gloam. This is because black and blue are suggested in some places in the game to be synonymous (e.g. the blue crest heater shield), in the same way that red and gold are described by the game as different manifestations of the same substance.
Trying to fill out the framework, I suggested that white might have a relationship to red that mirrors the relationship of black to blue, which I think is evidenced by the association of white and gold in Miquella's design, as well as in the red and white of the red crest heater shield. I speculated red and white might be linked through their associations with purity, since fire purifies; this is expressed in the incantation "Flame, Cleanse Me". In similar fashion, blood is used for cleansing in religious rituals. Finally, one could make comparisons between the Golden Order in Elden Ring and the Way of White in Dark Souls. (Some might object that the Golden Order opposes white because they persecute the Albinaurics, but I would say their issue is with silver, not white itself.)
So, in my view, there are three different manifestations of the color red, and three different manifestations of blue, which together create three different colors of gloam. In each of these dyads I'll list the red-associated color first, and then the blue-associated one. 1). The first pairing is red and blue which make purple or indigo; 2). the second is gold and black which make tarnished or faded gold, and 3.) the third is white and black (again), which mix to create grey. There is a bit of asymmetry here in that silver is not used once while black is used twice, but I still think this is the most complete framework so far.
St. Trina's three eyes
If Melina is St. Trina, then we already know one of her eyes is indigo, and another is faded gold. But if there are 3 colors of gloam, and St. Trina has 3 eyes in her torch depiction, one could infer that the third eye of St. Trina is the only color not yet seen in Melina's eyes: grey.
A reasonable counterargument is the middle eye of St. Trina on the torch is likely purple, because this eye appears purple when illuminated by the torch's purple flames. This was a major hint of a connection between St. Trina and the Gloam-Eyed Queen, that I think most people, including myself, didn't notice. (Well, I did notice the commonalities of stone and purple, but not the purple eye more specifically.)
St. Trina's middle eye, self-illuminated with purple firelight
Another thing we should take into account, is that the design of St. Trina on this torch is a mythological reference to Medusa, who turned her victims to stone (petrified them) by looking them in the eyes. In Elden Ring, purple is color-coded with the theme of fear; and since St. Trina only has one exposed eye on the torch, it would make more sense, functionally, if the middle eye was in fact purple; because she could use it (through purple's fearful attributes) to drive fear into her enemies.
So, I understand there's an argument to be made it's the middle eye that's supposed to be purple. On the other hand: it's been pointed out that the right eye on the torch (the figure's left eye) has a black marking under it, which highly resembles the crow's foot on Melina's eye. And we know that it's the crow's foot eye that's indigo. If this scarred eye is purple or indigo, and the other concealed eye is gold, then I think the third eye in the middle might be grey—which would make some intuitive sense, since the eye is in fact grey, due to the torch being made of stone.
St. Trina's torch depiction and middle eye, without the purple flames
Since the only visible eye seen on the torch is grey, I think this lends some credence—with considerable counterevidence, I'm aware—that the third eye of St. Trina is grey, and the third color of gloam.
Postscript:
Since this submission is something like a modification of my previous theory on gloam, I wanted to share another idea that I have also since appended to that post.
The idea I added was based on that same comment by The_Deep_Dark_Abyss, and a theory by miirshroom on a different post. The_Deep_Dark_Abyss mentioned there might be some link between the Japanese characters translated as gloam and the time between dusk and midnight, which reminded me that even the English word gloam is sometimes defined in this way. I related this to miishroom's theory, which is that gloam could be more like the spectrum of colors associated with dusk. My conclusion was that if gloam is technically or sometimes defined as between dusk and midnight, and gloam can have various levels of red and blue as miirshroom suggested, then it makes sense for Melina's eye to be more indigo than purple, because the Elden Ring clock represents night as blue, and dusk as purple. The time in between would be indigo.
I wrote more about this idea on that original post, if you'd like to read more about what I think this choice of color communicates. There you can also find some of the comments that influenced the developments in my perspective on this topic: https://www.reddit.com/Eldenring/comments/124fbnf/gloam_is_definitely_purple_but_it_might_be/
-This is an updated post on all the reasons I think Melina is St. Trina. I've added a lot to this since first posting it (at least 6 points); I'm now up to 20 points of evidence. The post is titled "Some contributions to the Melina is St. Trina is Miquella (and potentially the GEQ) theory".
-The Elphael post containing analysis of the woman and flower relief is titled: "Elphael: Theories and observations on various topics, and more evidence that Melina is St. Trina".

Respect The Chief

You're home now. We could finally make an officer of you. You'd have Admiral without much of an argument from anyone.
No offense, sir, but "The Admiral" doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

Master Chief Petty Officer John-117 is the most important figure of the human race in the mid-26th century. Abducted at the age of six by the Office of Naval Intelligence (ONI), he was conscripted into the SPARTAN-II program. The initiative was originally designed to crush human rebellion against the Unified Earth Government as the human Insurrection movement neared its tipping point. John endured harsh physical and mental training, survived the physical augmentations required by the program, and was later matched with state-of-the-art Mjolnir battle armor.
Throughout his training and early career, John emerged as a clear leader among the Spartans and was set to lead a successful UNSC campaign to stop a brewing human civil war. Though through circumstance, he became the sole savior of the human race several times over. First, in the face of an alien hegemony called the Covenant--an advanced alien empire bent on the complete destruction of humanity. Later, against an eldritch parasite known as the Flood which toppled both the Ancient Human and Forerunner empires of the past. Most recently, John defended humanity against the efforts of an ancient Forerunner general called the Didact, who returned to take his revenge against humanity for wars fought a hundred millennia in the past.
Notes

• Feats are shown in chronological order in-universe
• Feats showing relevant scaling or context will be indented
• Hover over a feat to see the source.

Height: 6'10" // 7'2" (In armor)
Weight: 130 kg // 451.3 kg (In armor)

General Info (Augmentations / Mjolnir Armor)

Pre-Augmentation / Training
Spartans were heavily trained almost daily since they were kidnapped at the age of 6, leading them to become physically and mentally prime by the young age of 14 even before receiving their augmentations.

Dr. Halsey marveled at what a spectacular physical specimen he had grown into. Fourteen years old and he had the body of an eighteen-year-old Olympic athlete, and a mind the equal of any Naval Academy honors graduate.

Description of an unaugmented 14 year old John; The Fall of Reach Ch 6

Augmentations
Codenamed Project: ASTER, the Spartan candidates were augmented to drastically increase their physiology and physical capabilities. Their bones were laced with powerful material to make them 'virtually unbreakable', their muscle tissue density was increased and lactase recovery time was decreased, they were given hormones to boost skeletal and muscle growth, increased eyesight, and had their nerves altered to drastically increase reaction time.

• At the age of 14, Spartans could sprint at bursts of 55 kph (~34 mph) and had estimated reaction times of 20 milliseconds, though they would likely be significantly higher in combat due to adrenaline. They could lift three times their body weight and they have night vision.

MJOLNIR Armor / Stat boosts

The feats in this RT will sorted by which armor John is wearing, as each iteration of Mjolnir armor increases his abilities further.
Unarmored - These feats occur after John receives his augmentation, but without any Mjolnir armor. They also all happen to occur when he is 14 years old and still recovering from his augmentations.
MJOLNIR Mark IV - The Mk IV was the first iteration of armor given to John and the rest of Spartan II's at the age of 15.

• General description, it doubles it's wearers strength and increases reaction times by a factor of five.
  • Their reaction times were previously given to be a low end of 20 milliseconds, meaning with Mk IV it is at a low end of 5 milliseconds.
• The suit is so reactive and powerful that normal humans would be torn apart trying to use it.
• The suit can operate in vacuum by recycling air for 90 minutes. It is also shielded against radiation and EMP.
• The armor possesses motion sensors and thermal imaging to detect enemy troops.
• The armor is almost immediately given additional prototype upgrades, such as thrusters, surveillance drones, wrist-blades and active camouflage.
  • The active camo allows Spartans to walk right in the middle of a group of soldiers without them noticing.

Neural interface / Onboard Computer
Mjolnir armor is linked to Spartans with a neural interface, which means they simply have to think and the armor would perform an action. Combined with the onboard computer, it allows Spartans to do things such as place Waypoint markers, or targets on their HUDs with a thought.

• An example of its use during a fight, John can move his limbs with a thought to overwhelm attackers.
• The suit 'knows what John is thinking before he does', it's able to control the suit functions and John can control the suits thrusters with his thoughts.
• The onboard computer can predict where artillery shots would land during an artillery barrage, and guide them to safer locations.
• Spartans can share targeting data.
• Mjolnir's onboard computer can place HUD markers at designated targets.
• The onboard computer can calculate probable landing zones for enemy dropships.
• Mjolnir predicting the optimal time to dodge plasma cannon fire from Banshees.

MJOLNIR Mark V - Deployed almost two and a half decades after the previous iteration of MJOLNIR, the Mk V now possessed recharging energy shields but retained the same double strength multiplier as the Mk IV.

• General description, it includes two major improvements being the addition of rechargeable energy shields and the ability to house an AI (See previous Cortana section).
• The suit has sound receivers that can hear a whisper a hundred meters away.
• Energy shields begin regenerating 5 seconds after last being hit and take 4 seconds to fully recharge from a total drain (Gameplay).

Cortana - Cortana is the AI that was paired with Master Chief for Operation: REDFLAG, she is present for the feats that occur while John is wearing MJOLNIR Mk V and most while wearing Mk VI.

• Cortana provides tactical and strategic information to John in the field, is able to infiltrate computer and communication systems and greatly improves John's reaction time.

Hacking

• Cortana was loaded with ONI's best insurgency/hacking software in preparation for Operation: RED FLAG.
• While put to work checking the ssytems of a UNSC warship, Cortana runs through ONIs computesecurity systems on the planet Reach for fun, easily overwhelming other ONI AIs.
• She hacks a Covenant carrier, first from the outside disabling it's weapons and communications systems for a short while, allowing her squad to board it. Then when aboard the ship she develops a path for her ground team, gives false tracking info to the Covenant hunter-killer teams and ultimately vents the ships atmosphere killing most of the thousands of Covenant aboard.
  • Outside of Cortana, the Covenant were generally far above the UNSC in terms of network security, with Dr. Halsey comparing the Covenants understanding of human systems within a few weeks of first contact to the UNSCs understanding of the Covenants after several decades.

MJOLNIR Mark VI - Due to the UNSCs rapid advances in technology, the Mk VI was deployed less than two months after the Mk V rendering it obsolete, containing major improvements in both shielding and stat multipliers.

• The Mk VI increases the wearers strength by a factor of 5, making them 2.5x stronger than in previous Suits. The Suit also has self contained biofoam injectors, pumping Spartans full of the UNSCs miracle drug in case they are ever injured.
  • Biofoam stabilizes most wounds and allows limited combat ability even in the event of limb loss.
  • A Spartan suffering from a gruesome headshot has his wound filled with biofoam and is back in combat within a relatively short time.
• The Mk VI's energy shields are much more powerful and recharge a lot faster.
• Energy shields begin regenerating 4.25 seconds after last being hit, and take 1.75 seconds to fully recharge from a total drain (Gameplay).

MJOLNIR GEN 2 - The second generation of MJOLNIR armor developed after the Human-Covenant war ended. Every aspect of the armor has been improved upon and thrusters are now built into each set of armor, drastically increasing maneuverability.

• Every suit now comes with built in thrusters.
  • Spartans can use their thrusters to effectively fly.
• The armor expects when combat is coming and optimizes it's systems automatically.
• GEN 2 armor has 360 degree vision that sees far into the EM spectrum.
• Magnet Boots - Allows Spartans to fight while walking vertically down the side of a skyscraper sized ship.
• The armor has self repair systems in case the shielding and suit is ever pierced.

Skill

Unarmored

• At the age of 14, John kills/cripples four ODSTs easily. - literature version
• John alongside three other Spartans capture a bunker from guards wearing the Mjolnir Mark I armor, which would have taken 2 to 3 platoons of Marines to capture. - Mjolnir Mark I info/picture.
• Spartans have been trained to fight in zero gravity.
• Spartan IV candidates are trained in several martial arts such as Aikido, Jiu-Jitsu and Krav Maga. Presumably the Spartan IIs are heavily trained with them.

Mk IV

• At the age of 15, John alongside Kelly, Fred and Linda wiped an army of well over 100 Covenant, including several Elite Ultras, Zealots and a Field Marshall.
• John and his Spartans are trained to identify high value targets based off subtle visual cues, making it easy to snipe enemy commanders.
• While defending a planet over the course of a few days, John alongside the rest of Blue team destroyed over 100 Wraith tanks.
• Speedruns through a Covenant carrier alongside Fred and Kelly.
• Both Dr. Halsey and Cortana conclude John is overall the best Spartan.
• He has been awarded every major service medal except the Prisoner of War Medallion.

Mk V

• During Johns testing for the Mk V armor, he faces off against a fighter jet that is so fast it regularly travels in and out of visible range. John tanks it's 50mm autocannons, then deflects and tanks an anti tank missile, afterwards sprinting away at 66 mph though he tears his Achilles tendon doing so.
• While fighting a particularly massive (10 ft+ tall) Sangheilli in low gravity, John uses his skill to beat the Elite even though they were evenly matched in strength.

Mk VI

• John escapes deadly situations so often that he almost believes that death is optional for him.
• He's confident he can wipe out an entire Covenant unit of 50 infantry and 4 Wraith tanks without any heavy weapons, but he chooses to save a group of soldiers instead.
• Merks 40+ Brutes by himself.
• Each Spartan II has 'the equivalent combat power of an entire Sector Fleet'.
• John is proficient in all aspects of infantry tactics, as well as low gravity combat. He is able to effectively lead detachments the size of battalions, and UNSC personnel of all ranks generally defer to his leadership.
  • John was offered to be made an Admiral by the UNSCs Fleet Admiral and head of their Security Council, but he refused.

GEN 2

• Alongside Blue team, John fights through a massive army of Prometheans.
• Spartans are able to punch out the Warden Eternal while evading his sword swings.

Strength

Unarmored

• During John's first time working out while recovering from receiving his augmentations, he notes that 1 G of gravity feels too light and 2 G's feels more normal.
• 14 year old John breaks the bones of ODST's and disfigures them with his strikes.
• At 14 years old, Spartans could not train against normal humans anymore due to repeatedly killing them by accident, so their trainers had to be placed in Mjolnir Mark I armor.
• At the age of 14, John kicks a man wearing a MJOLNIR Mark I exoskeleton eight meters away.
  • Another child Spartan could dent the heavy metal plates of the armor with his punches, the armor is impervious to light weapons.
• At the age of 14, John wrenches and rips a 30 millimeter minigun off a MJOLNIR Mark I exoskeleton with his bare hands.
• Shortly after receiving their augmentations, Spartans could lift three times their body weight.

Mk IV

• The Mk IV doubles it's wearers strength.
• During Johns first test of MJOLNIR he could shatter concrete targets with a punch
• John lifts a Spec Ops Elite overhead and folds him on his own energy sword.
• 15 year old John lifts and throws a cargo sled that was large enough to haul an entire platoon alongside a couple of pieces of artillery, and long enough to hold two Spartans lying end-to-end.
• John buckles the leg of a Special-Forces/Bloodstar Elite sideways with a stomp.
• John beats the arm of a Silent Shadow Elite until it's wrist is snapped sideways.
• Effortlessly punches through a weapons locker that was undamaged by a man bashing it with a large gas canister.
• John can effectively wield 110 kg Gauss cannons and use them for hit and run attacks against a column of 50 Covenant tanks.
• At the age of 16, John is able to withstand 12 metric tons of force on his legs.
• While 16 years old, John gets pinned down by an alien spider-like vehicle that was larger than a Warthog but it doesn't crush him, he is able to partially lift it. He also implies he has pushed Warthogs off of him before.
• Rips a steel and bullet-proof glass security door off of its steel reinforcing on a wall.
• An Insurrectionist general believes John can rip him in half.
• Crushes a Jackal's skull with a kick.
• John, alongside three other Spartans (one of whom was injured and missing an arm) push a 3x3x6 meter quartz monolith, an object that would weigh over 125 metric tons.
• John travels while carrying a half-ton Spartan over his shoulder.
• The Franchise Development Director of Halo, Frank O'Connor, states that Spartans can flip and bench press tanks, which correlates with their in game ability to flip tanks.
  • Halo CE's manual states that flipping vehicles is accomplished by his strength.
  • While flipping tanks is a high end / outlier for Spartans wearing earlier armor, GEN 2 wearing Spartans have been shown flipping tanks with only the shock wave of their strikes.

Mk V

• The Mk V possesses the same 2x strength multiplier as the Mk IV, so he should be able to replicate these feats in the previous Mk IV section.
• Runs through a field of razor wire, snapping them effortlessly.
• While specifically holding back to not kill them, John cripples many ODST's who are trying to kill him. Notably John breaks alot of bones, pulls a gun that is being held by an ODST so hard his shoulder dislocates, and bends the barrel of an assault rifle rendering it useless.
• A trio of Grunts landing on him and attempting to take off his armor is laughable to him.
• Caves in the skull of a Grunt with a pistol-whip.
• A melee attack breaks a Jackals energy shield gauntlet and launches him off of a cliff.
• Flips a Warthog.
• Flips a Warthog again but this time from grabbing it by the bumpers.
• Cracks the spines of a pair of elites with his strikes.
• Punches through a human skull inside a Flood Proto-Gravemind
• Crushes the skull of an elite with a punch and again reiterates he is strong enough to flip Warthogs.
• Crushes the skull of a Grunt with the butt of his assault rifle.
• Spartans are able to punch though tank armor.
  • Wraith armor is completely impervious to .50 caliber AA rounds.
  • Wraiths are durable enough to tank shots from their own mortars, which vaporize titanium battle plate, concrete and flesh within a twenty meter radius.
  • Spartans wearing Mk IV are shown in official artwork to be able to rip open tanks and toss armored Brutes (>1 metric ton) away with one arm.
  • A random Spartan wearing Mk V is able to destroy Covenant tanks in H2H, and several Spartans hold off a Covenant army of 30000.

Mk VI

• The Mk VI increases the wearers strength by a factor of 5, making them 2.5x stronger than in the previous Mk IV and Mk V Suits.
• Punches through the head of a Jackal.
• Tosses a Brute behind him.
  • Armored Brutes weigh over a metric ton.
• John can punch through UNSC ship metal.
• Tanks a melee attack from a Promethean Knight, then punches it off of him.
• John can rip off the arms of Promethean Knights and impale them with it.
  • Promethean Knights are strong enough to toss around Warthogs which weigh 3 metric tons.
• John stabs into the hull of a Lich (Covenant ultra heavy siege platform) while free falling with no leverage.
• John can overcome an Elites energy shielding with a single punch.
• Pushes and kicks a missile hammer several meters. (A 2x3x1.5m block of Titanium which is roughly the dimensions of the missile hammer would weigh over 40 metric tons.)

GEN 2

• Lifting Warthogs (3 metric tons), bending steel and shattering concrete is a baseline feat for all Spartans, not indicative of their limits.
• John shatters a Battle Rifle by hitting Spartan Locke with it.
• Overpowers Spartan Locke.
  • Locke is strong enough to flip over a 42.3 tonne tank with the shock-wave of his attack, effortlessly fly and run through walls as well as tackle aircraft out of the air, and boost through the bulk of a massive stone statue.
• Spartans can snap the necks of Elites.
• Spartans can instantly kill an Elite with a two-handed strike.
• Spartans can rip through Forerunner Armigers.
  • Forerunner Armigers are strong enough to throw humans dozens of meters away.
• Spartans can kill a Forerunner Armiger with a stomp.
• Spartans can punch out the legs of the Warden Eternal.

Durability

Mk IV

• The Mk IV doesn't possess energy shields, it relies entirely on the armor plating for protection.
• The armor has a refractive coating to help disperse incoming energy attacks.
• During Johns first test of MJOLNIR, bullets were harmlessly deflecting off his armor.
• The Mk IV can tank numerous Covenant Carbine shots, though they come close to penetrating the armor. Covenant Carbines fire 8x60mm projectiles at hypersonic (mach 5+) velocities making them far more powerful than almost any modern small arms.
• A .50 caliber depleted uranium round fired from an AA gun glances off John's armor.
  • [Limit] A young Kelly states that sustained fire from that weapon would penetrate the Mk IV.
• Tanks fire from hundreds of skilled marksmen with their rounds only 'dinging' his armor.
• Tanks plasma fire from a Covenant Ghost.
  • Ghost plasma is stated to be 5000 degrees.
• Tanks the nearby detonation of 1 MT nuke (John was at ground zero and had only 30 seconds to sprint away before it detonated).
  • Nukemap stats - Because the event was on a moon with minimal atmosphere and gravity, the heat and radiation figures are much more important.
• Tanks Covenant Needle and Spike rounds that can separate an ODST into pieces.
  • In the same novel it's stated that ODST's wear bullet proof armor that is effective at tanking armor piercing rounds, and someone wearing that armor harmlessly tanks small arms fire from several shooters.
• Tanks several Needle Rifle shots, with the needles shattering off his armor.
• Shrugs off being directly hit by a Hunters 2 ton shield.
• Spartans can tank anything short of a direct hit by a Wraiths plasma mortar, which vaporize everything within a 20 meter radius.
• Tanks Plasma Rifle fire from a hundred Drones who were chasing after him.
• Harmlessly tanks a nearby grenade detonation that spatters his faceplate with shrapnel.
• Spartans in Mark IV have similar durability's to light tanks.
• Covenant Needler shots bounce off his armor.

Mk V

• The Mk V is the first armor to possess energy shields, with each further iteration of armor gaining much more durable energy shields.
• A three round burst from an MA5B assault rifle drops his energy shields a 'hairbreadth'.
• Tanks shots from 30mm chainguns without even noticing he was being hit and without his energy shields breaking.
• Tanks 50mm autocannon fire from a jet without his energy shields breaking.
• Tanks the detonation of a nearby Scorpion missile designed to take out tanks. He was launched six meters and the missile itself created a two meter deep crater, though his energy shields did break.
• Covenant Needler shots bounce off his energy shields.
• Tanks a lifeboat crash that ripped open the craft and mangled everyone else aboard.
• Tanks a shot from a Hunters fuel rod cannon without his energy shields breaking and can tank direct hits even when his shields are low on charge.
• Tanks a melee hit from a Hunter while his shields are already low from tanking a fuel rod shot.
• Tanks an explosion from crashing a Banshee into a wall without any injuries.

Mk VI

• Tanks crashing into the Titanium hull of a warship at an extremely high velocity.
• Unharmed by a nearby Wraith's plasma shot which killed three other soldiers who were further away from it than him.
• Unfazed by a massive explosion.
• Tanks plasma fire from 6 Hunters.
• Tanks the detonation of a point blank plasma grenade that vaporizes a Brute Chieftain and scorches close to a dozen nearby Grunts.
• [Tanks a fall from orbit onto the Earth, and while his armor locks up automatically due to the impact, John himself is uninjured.]( "Halo 3")
  • Official artwork shows John falling from orbit.
• John tanks the laser blasts of 343 Guilty Spark, a Forerunner Monitor.
  • Another Spartan wearing slightly worse armor tanks more Forerunner monitor attacks, which are powerful enough to vaporize Hunters who weigh 5 metric tons and are covered in starship armor.
• Tanks being hit by a Warthog at very high speeds.
• Tanks a fall from orbit onto the planet Requiem completely unharmed, crashing into a lot of debris along the way.
• Tanks a melee attack from a Promethean Knight and punches it off of him afterwards.
  • Promethean Knights are strong enough to knock around Warthogs which weigh 3 metric tons.
• Unharmed after being thrown into a wall extremely hard by the Didact.
• Tanks a slipspace rupture crash that creates a massive crater from his impact (Ghost for scale).
• John had his evolution accelerated by the Forerunner known as the Librarian, giving him an immunity to the Composer which digitizes living creatures.

GEN 2

• Survives getting his head crushed by the Didact, then being thrown into Fred extremely hard.
• Tanks an extremely deep fall without any problem.

Speed

Unarmored

• John notes how objects appear to move in slow motion to him shortly after receiving his augmentations
• Special Forces appear similarly slow to John.
• John could move in blurs and was able to dodge point blank stun rounds from a 30mm cannon.
  • Another child Spartan dodges the stun rounds in mid air.
  • 14 year old Kelly dodges fire from several shooters and is too fast for the self-targeting system to track.
• At the age of 14, Spartans could sprint at bursts of 55 kph (~34 mph) and had estimated reaction times of 20 milliseconds, though they would likely be significantly higher in combat due to adrenaline. This is shortly after they received their augmentations and is expected to increase as their bodies adjust to the changes, and likely as they age as well.
  • Spartans experiencing the world in slow motion due to adrenaline is something they refer to as 'Spartan time'.
• [Limit] John is unable to completely dodge close range fire from three shooters, getting hit by three bullets.

Mk IV

• The Mk IV increases it's wearers reaction times by a factor of five. Their reaction times were previously given to be a low end of 20 milliseconds, meaning with Mk IV it is at a low end of 5 milliseconds.
• The first thing John does in MJOLNIR is move his arm almost FTE to his already augmented self.
• During Johns first test of MJOLNIR at the age of 14 he was fast enough to dodge bullets.
• Evades fire from hundreds of skilled marksmen while he was in a low gravity environment that limited his maneuverability.
• Moves to block a Needle Rifle shot after it was fired.
• Moves out of sight of several people faster than they could see.
• Jogs at 25mph for 10 kilometers alongside other Spartans.

Mk V

• ODST's move in slow motion to John.
• Dodges bullets after they are fired by an ODST, and again but after they are fired by three ODST's and again.
• With the help of Cortana, John deflects a Scorpion anti-tank missile that was tracking him.
• Immediately after tanking an anti-tank missile, John sprints ~66 mph across a half-kilometer distance though he tears his Achilles tendon doing so.
• He's able to dodge the laser weapons of Forerunner Aggressor sentinels.

Mk VI

• Immediately sprints at a speed of ~45 mph from rest.
• Intercepts and blocks a Covenant Beam Rifle shot after it's fired from roughly 30 meters away, which is a weapon that fires at ~Mach 10.7.
  • Another Spartan wearing the same armor dodges beam rifle shots twice including once from point blank. It's also being fired by a specialized Spartan Sniper if there are any doubts on it's accuracy.
• Maneuvers in mid-air to dodge gunfire from numerous Brutes.

GEN 2

• Spartans can avoid a sword swing from the Warden Eternal without even looking.

Marksmanship

• While running, John scores several headshots on Jackal snipers with his pistol.
• While Sprinting at around 45 mph, Chief is able to land multiple head and neck shots on several Jackal snipers who are around 30 meters away from him, shooting fast enough that his Magnum shots bleed together.
• Spartans can routinely land accurate sniper shots over a kilometer away while they are on the move.

Mobility

• John could balance atop and leap across ten meter tall wooden poles 10 centimeters in diameter even though he weighs half a ton in his armor.
• Spartans can jump ~25+ meters vertically onto a moving vehicle using his thrusters. (Mammoths are 27.1 meters tall.)
• Without using thrusters, Spartans can leap into the air 'like crickets' and engage aircraft.
• Spartans can easily scale cliffs.
• Spartans in GEN 2 armor can use their thrusters to effectively fly.

Endurance

• At 15 years old John is capable of sprinting 7 kilometers while expecting to do combat immediately after.
• 16 year old Blue Team covers 19 kilometers in 33 minutes, stopping twice to do weapon checks, running on rough terrain with support equipment, and running with their weapons in their hands. Roughly 24 mph sustained over 19km, with no intended rest before initiating combat.

Other Spartan Feats / Additional Scaling

Weapons / Equipment

Enemies / Additional Scaling

The four Spartans that composed Blue Team covered his back, standing absolutely silent and immobile in their MJOLNIR combat armor. Someone had once commented that they looked like Greek war gods in the armor … but his Spartans were far more effective and ruthless than Homer’s gods had ever been.

Disclaimer: Black Seraph is the developer of GarlicOS. Not me. I'm just a guy copying and pasting the updates when I see em.
Changelog
1 April 2023:

• The menu & volume up button no longer trigger L3 / R3 inside of auto-mapped RetroArch cores (this fixes unwanted double-mapping of these buttons in FCEUmm and can, for those that like to custom map things, be reverted by messing with the "RG35XX Gamepad" automapping file)
• The hardware-accelerated overlay render code is now multithreaded, double-buffered and frame-limited (no more flickering notifications)
• The hardware-accelerated overlay render code now supports more than 2 Z-layers (which was a requirement for the next point on the list)
• System borders (also called RetroArch overlays) are now supported and can be configured within RetroArch (at the moment this is limited to 640x480 pixel single-image overlays)
• Several RG35XX-compatible system border overlays have been added (so far FC, SFC, GB, GBC & GBA, feel free to craft your own following the templates found inside the CFW/retroarch/.retroarch/overlay folder and let me know if you want me to bundle yours in future revisions)
• The hotkey button guide overlay can now be disabled in the overlay settings of RetroArch
• Screenshots are now written to disk synchronously regardless of whether threaded rendering is enabled or not (this is required to ensure the auto savestate screenshots are written to disk in time before exiting RetroArch)
• Enabled UHS card support for the TF2 card slot (we will see how that turns out)
• Fixed a bug that caused D-pad axes to get stuck in a zero state
• Set the GarlicOS version number to 1.3.9

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